Adventure Time: Hey Ice King, Why'd You Steal Our Garbage!? Review

I love Adventure Time, it's a cartoon that is so rooted in all things nerdy and retro, made by fans of childhood. They finally moved into the gaming world, with a Zelda 2 style rpg for the 3ds. It's pretty short, but a total blast to play through, with some of the funniest dialogue that I have ever seen in a game.

The game starts by the Ice King stealing your garbage (shocker), which you find out towards the end was just a ploy to hang out with Finn and Jake more often. With the quest obtained, you must set off across four areas of the Land of Ooo, helping it's inhabitants and flirting with princesses. Whats really cool is how straight-forward the leveling system is. You have 3 stats, one for strength, hp, and speed. Everytime you level up by finding a Wizard's Star, you put a point in one of the categories, eventually maxing them all out.

 All of my favorite characters make big appearances, from The Marauders (whose theme song in their village is just the phrase "Feast, Fight, Be Manly" chanted over and over) to Gunther, Peppermint Butler, and of course, The Party God. Each one is true to their hilarious selves, and Gunther is even a boss fight, where you must vanquish 100 penguins as they swarm. Mathematical!

Like I said, the game isn't long, and it isn't very difficult, but if you're a fan of the show, then you won't have any other gripes with it. It's fucking funny, it's a lot of fun to battle through the dungeons, and Finn and Jake make you feel just as warm and fuzzy as in the tv show. The only other thing I can think of that irked me a little, was just how fucking hard the final boss is, drawing a very dark contrast to the ease of the rest of the game. If you like Adventure Time, and you yearn for a mighty hero's quest, then get this. Now.

Oh shit! New game plus!? Rhombus!

What I want in Mass Effect 4

Call the Asari out on their bullshit

So, in ME3, Shep heads to Thessia to recover an ancient religious relic for the beautiful Councilor Tevos because she vaguely said, "it might help against the reapers." It's actually a prothean beacon that the Asari have been hiding for thousands of years, and have been using the data inside of it to advance faster than all the other races. This is a direct violation of galactic law and grounds for some motherfucking war. I want this addressed in ME4, and perhaps the Asari should even lose their council seat due to the fact that they attained it by taking information steroids. Let's Barry Bonds this shit.

Quarians apologizing

The Geth achieved independent thought. The quarians massacred them. The Geth pushed the Quarians off of Rannoch and then chose not to pursue, the Quarians attacked them for a few hundred years to "take their homeworld back". Shep shows up to end that shitstorm, and even in the newfound peace Quarian admirals were suicide bombing defenseless Geth. In ME4, we should force these warhappy, close-minded suit-rats to apologize officially, and put a Geth on the council. I seriously cannot get behind the Quarians defense of attempted genocide, and their noses should be rubbed all in it.

An end to Batarian slavery

Every threat in Mass Effect has been a huge deal. Geth, Collectors, Reapers, all of them threatening everything. It would be nice to take a more local approach to our problems going forward. Like the issue of slavery. The Batarians got it the worst during the reaper invasion, and Shep personally killed 30,000 of them. That sucks, I agree, but their civilization still enforces slavery. In fact, if you are a human or turian colonist, you still live with the risk of being captured and sold into slavery by these Mississippi-esque nut jobs. This needs to be ended, for serious this time, even if it means military action. 

Wrex's child as a playable character

I keep thinking about who I would like to play as in ME4. Shep is dead, (or is she?) and the only way to keep the same feeling of scope going forward would be to have a star that has the same amount of political importance as Shepard. I say, it should be Wrex's kid. By the time that kid grows up, he/she will be the offspring of the greatest Krogan leader of all time, and the new spokesperson for the first generation of post-genophage Krogans, ready to contribute to the galactic community with positivity this time. Or Garrus and Tali's kid, whichever.

Put the Volus on the fucking council already

So, the four species on the council system is dumb, and it's ready for a serious overhaul. Especially now that every race in the galaxy sacrificed to destroy the reapers, it's time for a more broad representation. When deciding who should be on the council, take a look at who is there already, the Asari who cheated to get to the top, the Turians who hypocritically condemn the Krogans for being violent when the Turians go to war more than anybody else, the Salarians who basically committed genocide, and the humans, who are just basically a species of dicks. The Volus should be there, and should have been there for a long time already. They run the economy! Sure, they don't have much military power, but the Capitalistic nature of the galaxy is run by volus merchants, and suppliers. They are probably the most important and influential race there is, and most people don't give them credit for it because they aren't exploding others or being exciting. Give them credit, they're good people.

All in all, Im just excited to see what the future holds for the first cycle ever that didn't get harvested. We told the reapers that we are good enough to not be harvested, that we have everything under control, so let's prove it. I want to see how the galactic community takes care of itself now that the huge scary threat is gone. Maybe the racism will disappear, maybe everyone will just get a little more tolerant, or, maybe the Turians will see this as an opportunity to blow the fuck up everyone they don't agree with. Im not sure what the future holds, but I am very, very excited to play through it.

LOL'ing @ God

I wanted to share a couple things that I read this morning,

Dale DeBaksy's article on cartoons and faith

It's funny, and DeBasky calls out Spider-man, those fucking ponies, and a few others for promoting faith in sneaky ways. On the other hand, I read this brain-melter today too...

Godless liberals' war on easter

I love crazy republicans, and while the rest of my godless liberal buddies get angry, I encourage and join their mailing lists. I registered for Mr. Massie's mailing list and registered at wnd.com as AtheistDad. I left a comment in response to that easter article that said, "I want to take your hyperbole filled rant seriously, but you end every sentence in a preposition. May god have mercy on your grammar." My comment is pending "approval", so that means it will probably never see the light of day, but heres hoping!

May god bless you on zombie jesus day this week! 

Busy Weeks Ahead...

Today is just a small update, and a tiny peek into the non-distant future. I just beat this bearded man (pic up top), Drayden, leader of the 7th gym in White 2. After I got his badge and beat the plasma ninjas who froze the town in ice from their skyboat, I decided to take a break. As much as I love my pokeymanzz, I can't get over the fact that White 2 is just another clone of the orginal red/blue, and I'm just not enthuisiastic enough to do the pokegrind anymore. That's why X/Y is such great fucking news.

I wasn't able to get to ME: The Citadel today because the verizon guy was in my house FOR 4 FUCKING HOURS, so I picked up a game I got months ago, and have been purposefully avoiding. Adventure Time: Hey Ice King Why'd You Steal Our Garbage got great reviews, but Im such a fan of the show, that I was worried this might ruin it for me. It hasn't so far, Im growing quite fond of it, and I'll do a big fat review of it when I beat it. (soon, Im close)

Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon came out for the 3ds, and I want it. Bad. The original for the gamecube was outstandingly fun, and I had just assumed that it would never get a sequel, (nintendo doesn't like white people), but here it is! And according to people who aren't me who have played it, it's good too! I will certainly put the appropriate amount of time into it as soon as I can. I would run out pantsless and get it today but....

The thrid Bioshock comes out tomorrow, and it takes priority. The last time I played Bioshock, it was #2's Minerva's Den DLC, which was the best downloadable content for any game ever. I have been religiously watching every gameplay video, every trailer and every screenshot in anticipation for this game. Bioshock is my first example in every "games-are-art" argument, and Infinite looks like it's going to be just as important.

Needed. 

Game dad: Ronald Taylor

This is Ronald Taylor, Jacob's father in Mass Effect. In the 2nd installment, he is the focus of one of the more bizarre quests, in which he almost solidifies himself as the shittiest father ever.

Ronald was an officer aboard the MSV Hugo Gernsback when it crashed on a lush planet full of poisonous vegetation. Ron became the first officer after all of his superiors were dead, and his first order of business was to hoard all of the ship's food stores exclusively for himself and the other surviving officers. The rest of the crew were forced to eat the planet's dangerous plants, which caused their minds to decay and they eventually went feral. So....Ron Tay decided to start raping these brain-dead women and keeping them as pets, ensuring his alpha male status with security mechs that killed all the other boys.

What's extra fucked up is that the entire time, Ronald refused to activate the distress beacon that could have saved himself and all of the other survivors, instead preferring his life of unlimited food and sexing. FemShep and Jacob arrive when the beacon is finally activated, (Ronald Taylor only did that when he felt he was in real danger), and we put a bullet in his dumb brain. Hooray!

Every day is an atheist holiday

Penn Jillette is a hero of mine. Back when I was figuring out a word to attach to my disbelief in Jeebus, I stumbled across his beautiful show Bullshit. My growing skepticism and pursuit of the truth about everything mystic absolutely exploded in my early twenties, and Penn's book God, No! was the perfect Jesus rejecting companion. So, I was really fucking excited to read this one. 

If you don't believe in a god, and you want to read a book about that, your choices are not to be taken lightly. Ayn Rand, Hitchens, Dawkins, these authors have written some of the most intelligent and accurate arguments against religion that you will ever read, but they are certainly not to be taken lightly. Reading Godless, or The God Delusion is a serious commitment, these books aren't to be casually enjoyed, they are written to blow your brain out of the back of your head when you realize just how unlikely religion really is. 

So, as great as those heavy books are, it's really nice to be able to read a more light-hearted book that deals with non-religion. Mr. Jillette is truly inspiring, and I find myself trying to memorize sentences and whole paragraphs for future use, as his insights are quite unique and profound. Atheism can be a scary thing, and especially as a father, it's nice to be able to read another father's words and be comforted that you have indeed been going about things in the right way.

The book is divided into chapters that deal with holidays, (my favorite is Chiquita Banana Wednesday), in which Penn will tale a personal story about his exciting life as a magician in Vegas, or on Celebrity Apprentice, etc, and insert personal nuggets of advice. This isn't a book that preaches at all, he simply states his opinion, and writes about some of the more crazy shit that has happened to him, and how he thinks that applies to a grander idea. He talks about some really interesting subjects, American racism, Chinese abandonment of infant girls, Christianity, Andy Warhol's death, Clay Aiken's assholeness, morality without religion, and a bunch of other eyebrow raising topics. It's also funny as fuck.

I loved the book, and I really took my time with it, it's definately worth a read, and his best work yet. I will finish this rushed review with my favorite excerpt from the book dealing with atheist fatherhood:

It's not fair to say that all Christians are murdering rapists being held back by fear of hell, or desire for heaven, but as unfair as that is, it's bothersome how many Christians lead with it. The argument that the only reason you're not killing and raping me is that your magic book tell you not to is not reassuring, and I don't think it's even true. Christians defend the insanity of the bible by saying how good, kind and peaceful Jesus was in the New Testament, even though he negates none of the Old Testament's horrors. What do they mean by "good" about Jesus anyway? If all morality comes from god, isn't all of the Old Testament's genocide, slavery, rape, incest, torture and ignorance good by definition? If all morality comes from god, what does it mean to believe that "god is good?" Wouldn't that be tautology? If Satan were to win the final battle (the spoiler says he doesn't), defeat god, and become the most powerful being in the universe, wouldn't he be our god? We'd meet the new boss, and he'd be the same as the old boss, good by definition. Would we just replace the cross with heavy metal horns and start fucking our sisters' assholes on beds of goats' blood in the name of all that is unholy, while listening to Slayer? Wouldn't that be community service?

Majora's Mask: The Nicolas Cage mod

So a new Pennsylvania friend of mine sent me this today, and after viewing it, I realized that much like VD, it must be shared. It's a mod to my favorite Zelda installment ever, Majora's Mask, but with Nicolas Cage skins everywhere. The maker of this beautiful monstrosity known only as Criken2 said, "Why make this you ask? I wish I could tell you, we had no goal, only Cage". Enjoy!

Toys

Oliver is getting old enough to start playing with some real toys, you know, the toys that are so amazing that you end up blogging about them 23 years later? Well, the first serious toy that I want to get for my little jedi is a Batmobile. I had a pretty basic Batmobile growing up, and I always remember wanting some of the more exotic models. Well, here's a 1940's Batmobile that I found on amazon, that Oliver will absolutely flip his shit over.

Now, I had that awesome 81 model of the Millenium Falcon when I was a little boy, and I want Olls to have a falcon too. However, finding an original 81 Millenium Falcon is hard and fuckshit expensive, so I searched for a new one. Hasbro has a new model that is 1000 times better than anything I had growing up. Captain Toy does an amazing review of it here

I've been a little sad about Ninja Turtles toys. The sets and figures that I had when I was little were so fucking cool and amazing, that I just know they don't make them like that anymore. Then...I came across this Nickelodeon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Deluxe Secret Sewer Lair, and now I feel a lot better. 

New pokemon are just old pokemon

 When I was first introduced to Pokemon, about 13 years ago, there were 151 Pokemon. There are now 649 different species of these catchable creatures, but I've been noticing, that these new Pokemon, are basically just rehashed versions of the original 151. 

Take Roggenrola and Geodude for instance. Both rock types, both have 3 stages of evolution, and both evolve into their final form by trading. Geodude evolves into Graveler at lvl 25 and Roggenrola evolves into Boldore at lvl 25 too. So...instead of putting Geodude in the new games, they just made a new Geodude.

 Back in  the day, Chansey didn't evolve. Chansey was a normal type with a shit ton of HP, and was typically used for healing and being a nurse. Then GameFreak decided that it would make sense to give Chansey a pre-evolution (Happiny), (ignoring the fact that Chansey being an evolved Pokemon this entire time would be impossible due to the fact that SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE NOTICED A HAPPINY A LONG FUCKING TIME AGO THE POKEMON UNIVERSE HAS VIDEO CALLING, A POKEBALL TECHNOLOGY THAT TURNS ANIMALS INTO MICROSCOPIC VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES WHILE ALSO SUSTAINING THEIR BODIES SO THAT THEY DONT NEED WATER, AIR, FOOD OR THE NEED TO DISPENSE WASTE WHILE THEY ARE IN POKEBALLS SO SOMEBODY AT SOME POINT WOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT CHANSEY WAS AN EVOLVED FORM OF A PREVIOUS POKEMON YOU DUMB FUCKING IDIOTS), and a post-evolution (Blissey). Along with these two new forms of the same Pokemon, they also introduced Audino in the new games, a technically unrelated species, that has a shit ton of HP and works as a nurse in Pokemon centers.

 So, every Pokemon trainer who has spent 5 minutes in a cave hates Zubats. They use supersonic and make getting through the dark complexes a nightmare. Spending money on repels and always keeping an electric type in the first slot are a necessity. So, knowing how much we all fucking hate Zubat, the Pokemon team got rid of him, and filled their caves with Woobat, a bat that uses supersonic and has a weakness for electricity. It's not the same thing! I swear!

(sigh.)

"That's not a pokemon, that's a chinese myth dragon"

By far my favorite Pokemon fan video, it's a passionate commentary on Pokemon with extremely thick and annoying Brooklyn accents, enjoy!