Stabbed in the back again, Disney buys Lucasfilms

No Fucking Way, Disney Buys Lucasfilms

The only good thing about Revenge of the Sith, was that when the credits rolled, the raping of our great Star Wars franchise was over. Or so we thought. The merchandise followed, the "updating" of the originals happened, an amazing cartoon that was otherwise ignored by George happened, and all of us Star Wars fans just shook our heads as the lashes kept coming. Oh, also, George Lucas sold his soul for 4 billion dollars, and 40 million shares of Disney stock. Whaaaaaaaat the fuck.

Half of this fucking movie was animated

So, as I started cry-puking after hearing the initial news, there's more, minutes after buying George out, Disney announces movie 7. Episode 7? Really? How much more torture cane we take? I paid 12$ bucks to see Phantom and I was treated to a 3 hour Nascar race, I plopped more money down to see Clones, and was dissapointed again with the CG bullshit, and then Sith, was a whiny, melodramatic teen drama with the deconstruction and trivialization of Darth Vader. Fuck you George Lucas, and your money grubbing, shitty writing face.

Nascar in space

So what can we expect from episode 7? Well, for one, Harrison Ford won't be participating, so Han Solo will be re-cast. It's now a Disney movie, so expect to see some teeny bopping Disney Channel star to wear the vest this time. More CG shoved down our throats, maybe this time we can have a villian wielding four lightsabers! Oh, wait...fuck. Star Wars is a joke now anyways, but Im upset because as an original fan, I have no choice but to see this in theaters in the off chance that it might be good. (It wont)

My reaction to the news

The original series was great because most of the writing wasn't done by George, and I think our only hope is that the writer at Disney that gets this movie dumped on him has some sort of altruistic spine, and writes something dynamic and worthy of the greatest trilogy ever. He won't though, and another slap will strike our nerd faces, and do you think your kids are safe? My son will never hear the word prequel come out of my mouth, but Disney has already shown him Jar Jar on tv, and in the toy aisle, and we will never be able to stop episode 7 from infiltrating our houses.

Stay the fuck away from my son

We. Are. Fucked.

Why your children should be playing Smash Bros.

While Hurricane Sandy was busy raping my neighborhood, I was shut inside, playing hours, and hours of Smash Bros with my little brother. My previous save file had been deleted for some suspicious reason, and I took the opportunity to re-kindle my love with the greatest fighting game ever made, and unlock everybody. It also got me to thinking about just how excited I am for Oliver to play this with me, to train and train in a futile effort to stop his father's supreme domination with Pikachu, and to fall in love with Nintendo. Not just Nintendo, this game will make you fall in love with video games.

My smash bros copies, along with my strategically placed Tomy japanese imported collectible  Pikachu set in the back there.

These are my copies of Smash Bros, (my copy of Melee is also suspiciously missing), and as you can see, I am a Nintendo product whore. So, when the original was announced for the N64 when I was in 6th grade, and that amazing commercial aired, I shit my pants all the way to the store. Here's that genius commercial.
I remember arguing with Alan over who got to be the white tunic Link, discovering that Pikachu not only represented my favorite Nintendo property, but also that he fit exactly the way I played, and sweating profusely in the middle of July as I struggled to unlock Ness. Smash Bros was one of the few things that Nintendo actually did that was original, and fan friendly, a masterpiece.

My son will play Smash Bros, not just because it is a blast, but also because it teaches you the history of video gaming as you play. Every trophy you collect, (and there are hundreds) have a full page of story behind it, from their first appearance in the video game world, to their roles in current games. Smash Bros is an action packed museum to the contribution of Nintendo on my favorite industry, and I feel relevant and special when I play.

Thats not to say that Brawl didn't have me scratching my head a little bit. Lucario is how we fix the Mewtwo problem? Dedede is seriously supposed to be a relevant option? I want to see Little Mac as a playable character, or, I dunno, MEGA MAN MAYBE!? Why the fuck is Solid Snake in the game and not Maximo?
I want to see Reggie as a playable character and Pokemon Trainer switched to Ash the way it should be.

So plug up some brawl and hand a controller to your kid, they'll learn something, and you can show them that button mashing gets you dead.

Achievements: Good or Bad?

Remember A Link To The Past? When Zelda finally came out on the snes in the early 90's, there was only one goal, beat the damn game. In an age without internet, and expensive Nintendo Power subscriptions, that wasn't the easiest of tasks. You would have to play until you got stuck, and then run to school the next day to get advice. "You don't have the ice rod yet? It's in the cave next to the second fairy east of the 2nd dungeon in the light world." "Thanks G, I appreciate the help." That's how video games were bested before the interwebs.

Today however, not only do we have detailed walkthroughs for every game (even Hannah Montana The Movie the Game has an IGN guide, no shit),  but we also have easier video games. As a group, us gamers have all lost our patience. When we were kids, a frustrating game just meant that we tried that much harder to beat it, it was a willpower test, now, when a game is frustrating, we bitch about the development company, and usually don't even finish the fucking thing. So, game companies found a solution, make the games easier, and thus quell all of the bitching and moaning.

The hardest achievement that I have ever attempted, CoD's Mile High Club

Now that the games we all love require less skill to conquer, simply beating the game isn't enough. Achievements and trophies give the more OCD of us extra tasks to complete, and earning all 50 for any given game is usually just as difficult as beating the old 8-bit games of our youth. So now, we have an equivalent, achievements are exactly what their name is, something difficult to achieve.

Originally, I thought achievements were a bad thing. I thought that people would play to only to get 50/50 instead of enjoying the story or actual gameplay. However, much like Romney, I changed my mind on this one. On any game's first playthrough, I go in blind, using no walkthroughs or guides, and earning achievements without knowing what they are beforehand. All of the achievements that I missed the first time around give me incentive to return to the game a 2nd time, where I use every resource I can find to get them all.

So, my opinion is that achievements are a good thing, given you keep things in perspective, and now that my gamerscore is over 37,000, I think it's obvious that I no longer have a moral issue with the implementation of these scorekeepers. However, as a footnote, I got every single achievement in Bioshock, until they released a 51st achievement as mandatory DLC called brass balls that requires me to replay the game on insane difficulty with vitachambers TURNED THE FUCK OFF. I have to do this if I want to keep saying that I got every single achievement in Bioshock. Fuck you 2K, thats way too far. Assholes.

Replaying: Earthworm Jim

This is my copy of Earthworm Jim, one of my absolute favorite Sega games. I've been replaying it a little bit recently, and I wanted to talk about my nostalgia. Before that though, let us climb into the way back machine, and remember the 1994 release of Earthworm Jim.

This game was the shit. The mid 90's had a sub-genre of cartoon characters whose comedy was based on all things disgusting, such as Ren and Stimpy, and Beavis and Butthead. 16-bit video games followed suit with games like Toejam and Earl, Boogerman, and of course, Earthworm Jim. This game was gross for sure, but it also had a delightful random sort of humor, such as launching cows off of see-saws, using your head as a whip, and dogs attaching themselves to your ass.

The downside is that the game is really fucking hard. I beat it only once, and that was after hours and hours of single sitting repetition. Enemies don't recoil when you shoot or hit them, they just beeline towards you through your flurry of bullets. This makes for some very frustrating deaths, and some irritating enemy swarms.  There are also some jumps that require some serious precision, and missing them can drop you to the beginning of the level, or down to a pack of dogs that rip you apart. Also, the very first boss is easily the hardest in the entire game, which is a brilliant way to demoralize children.

Aside from the difficulty, Earthworm Jim is a top-notch adventure. Its hilarious and weird, with some levels that are incredibly unique. This game gives an experience that you won't find anywhere else. So, of course I ate it up, and the cartoon, and the toys, and the sequel, and the shitty N64 poop mess. I was a fanatic, incorporating Earthworm Jim into my already crowded Ninja Turtles/Power Rangers/Street Sharks/Zelda/ obsession.

The brand new Earthworm Jim HD!!! It's about fucking time

Replaying it now, it unfortunately suffers from the all too common old game curse. I don't have anywhere near the patience anymore that is required to make significant progress in the game, I couldn't even beat the first level until the 25th try. My skills aren't as sharp as they used to be, and I challenge anyone who hasn't played Sega in a while to jump back in and be able to diagonal shoot accurately. Maybe I don't miss the game itself so much, but the feeling I had playing it for the first time. Nostalgia is a bitch.

A Dad's Approach To Violent Video Games

This is my son Oliver. He is going to play violent video games. In fact, he is more than likely going to be playing violent video games at a rather young age. I wanted to write this after seeing a rather dumb conversation on msnbc (shocking, I know), about how violent video games are decaying society and corrupting youth. Parents who allow such disgusting behavior were attacked as well, and, being one of those morally vacant parents, I wanted to say fuck you in my own special way.

The first point that needs to be made is that how you raise your child, (aside from extremes like molestation and neglect), is nobody's business except that of the family in question. You don't have to agree with how someone else does it, but you do need to realize that you shouldn't be able to force a change, or bother them with your enlightened opinion. If I want my son to be trained with a pistol by age 5, or even worse, play tackle football, (holy shit, thats way too far), then it's my choice as the dad. He used to live in my balls, not yours.

Video games are, in my opinion, the greatest artistic medium that humankind has ever been exposed to. You are experiencing a story in a way that nobody before 1980 could. Direct interaction is an exciting way to progress through an engaging narrative, and there are also tons and tons of benefits to playing video games. Improved hand-eye coordination, much better reading levels, and dynamic problem solving skills. Also, they are a lot of fucking fun.

I have never, ever, been denied access to a video game based on it's content. I was playing the most controversial games of my time, at a very young age. Mortal Kombat in 3rd grade, GTA3 when I was in 6th, and I even remember the first time I blew the head clean off a zombie's shoulders in Resident Evil 2. To this day, I have never been in a fight, and I am strongly against the death penalty under any circumstance. I am anti-war, anti-suffering, and anti-discrimination. Video games have nothing to do with bad behavior whatsoever, and I think most rational people can see that.

 So Im going to hand my son the controller, and let him blow shit up. Not because Im degraded or a bad father, but because I want my son to experience all of the great and memorable stories that I did. Also, I've noticed, that if you sit down and explain to your child the difference between reality and pretend, then you really don't have anything to worry about.

Sick Day Memories

So yesterday, I was extremely sick. Now that I'm an adult with responsibilities, getting sick means that I still have to go to work, but when I was a little kid, getting sick meant one thing, video games. I remember fondly my infrequent days off from school, robotussin, fevers, and an entire day to spend with a brand new game. Here are five of my favorite sick day video games that I remember well, in a sequential order of course.


5: Dino Crisis
I had strep throat when I was little. I was out of comission for a few days, and since my mother felt sorry for me, she bought me a game I had been bugging her about for months. Dino Crisis was such a fun sick day, it scared the shit out of me, and played just like one of my favorite games that I had beaten just a couple weeks prior, Resident Evil. If you re-visit the game now, you'll be bored and astonished at just how bad Dino Crisis really is, but at the time, it was cutting edge and very interesting. I beat it in two days.



4: Jak and Daxter
Ignore the two diarrhea filled sequels and the addictive but irrelevant combat racing spinoff, the original Jak and Daxter was one of the best straight up platformers ever made. I don't remember exactly what I was sick with, but I know I felt bad, and I had a brand new copy of J and D. I love this game, everything about it, but something I remember very well, Jak and Daxter was actually funny. I mean really funny. Mix the great writing with one hell of a streamlined collection system, great colors and animation, (best use of green that I have ever seen), and you've got not only one of the best PS2 games, but a seriously fun sick day.

3: Persona 3
I can remember every tiny detail about the first time I played Persona 3. I was a little older, maybe 19, but I had to call off of work because I couldn't stop vomiting. So, having bought this new age jrpg the night before, I popped it in and gave it a shot. What I found was ground breaking, ridiculously addictive, and unbelievably well-written. Every character was good, every piece of music was good, the Persona summoning system was good, the dating sim and school sim were good. Everything about Persona 3 is good, and the story itself, is great. I had to use a pen and paper to remember every persona that I had created, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Rock on Atlus.

2: Pokemon Snap
I had the chickenpox, and I had Pokemon Snap. This blog is called Pokedad. I love Pokemon. This game was a brilliant spinoff. This game is on a list of the best things that have ever happened to me. Surfing Pikachu.









1: Final Fantasy 8:

I got the flu really bad when I was in 7th grade. I had to miss school for a week, so my mother loaded my sick ass into the car and we drove to Best Buy and bought the game that my Gamepro had been raving about. I brought it home, excitedly tearing off the plastic, and then started up my Playstation. It wouldn't turn on. I cried and cried until my mother ran out and fucking rented a Playstation from Blockbuster. I proceeded to play one of the most artistic video games ever. Final Fantasy 8 is a beautiful experience, with, and let me put it into some serious hyperbole, THE GREATEST SOUNDTRACK EVER RECORDED FOR ANYTHING EVER. This game is one of the geek things that are responsible for who I am today. I miss you Square, you guys used to work magic. I beat the very first disc in a single sitting.

So, my sick day yesterday considered of me going to work, throwing up, going home, and trying to watch the Yankees through Nyquil soaked eyeballs. I miss being a kid sometimes.

Game Dad: Wakka

Wakka is by far my favorite video game character ever. Period. The best. Square has had some great characters in the past, but none quite as well written as Wakka was. Extremely flawed, but with an honest altruistic heart, Wakka runs through every obstacle that we do in real life, ending with a maturity and wisdom that helps him become a fantastic dad.

When you first meet Wakka, he's a racist. He's also an intolerant follower of Yevon, (coughcatholicchurchcough), who sees all the people who don't agree with him as troublemakers, the reason that sin keeps attacking. An all-around asshole, Wakka is hard to like at first, but just like most people, when exposed to logic and reason, his views start to change.

A bombshell is dropped on Wakka after a few hours of gameplay, his own cousin, Yuna, the summoner he has sworn to protect with his life, is half al-bhed. His mind starts absorbing the implications of this, and his attitude begins to change, and his religious views start to shift.

So, after his epiphany, and after sin is defeated, he has a baby with Lulu. You see the new Wakka, a happy, peaceful, and completely accepting man. He has grown over the past few years, and now gets to pass on his knowledge and crazy experiences with his little son, Vidina. From the death of his brother, to the rejection of his very fucked up religion, Wakka has jumped some of the most difficult hurdles that we face in the real world.

The Walking Dead is really about fatherhood

Now that the Walking dead has blown the fuck up and is available across three mediums, the issue of fatherhood has become more and more prevalent. The bleak post-outbreak world forces it's inhabitants to make very tough choices on a daily basis, and these choices are even harder if you happen to be a parent. As a father myself, I feel absolute empathy for Rick, I relate to the difficult position he is in. However, now that the franchise is expanding, there are other fathers and father figures presenting themselves, furthermore cementing what I feel is the true topic of The Walking Dead; the modern dad.

Rick and Carl
Like every father figure in the franchise, Rick certainly knows loss. After what happens in book 8, Rick is shouldered with some serious decisions, with extreme ramifications to those he has sworn to protect. Coupled with the fact that Carl seems to be growing into some sort of cold, desensitized killing machine, Rick is experiencing some weird psychological problems at the moment. Rick is by far my favorite character, and I like to think that I would make the same decisions that he has if I was ever in the same situation. Carl has become Rick's hope, and the reason he makes some of the more radical choices. Rick wants a future where he can raise his son in peace and relative normalcy.

Herschel
Due to my own political beliefs, I really wanted to dislike Herschel initially. Then he lost his sons, and his daughters, all but two of his children are dead. So, I start having some sympathy for the old man, and then its revealed that he doesn't believe in killing the zombies, stating that there must be a "cure". Although his methods and religion are a little ancient, Herschel is a true humanitarian, and seems to have a good heart, but his farm-raised viewpoints push everyone away. I like his character because it is a great reflection of a certain type of American that is often talked about.

Morgan
Morgan and his son Duane were quite the compelling pair. It seemed that Morgan was a parallel Rick, with a dead wife and a son who ends up dying as well. Morgan was our window into the worst scenario a father can be forced into, and an example of true mental anguish. Personally harmful behavior, slamming his head into walls, painful flashbacks, creepy conversations with Carl, Morgan transformed over the course of the comic books from a hope-filled, practical thinking father, to a twisted, grief-stricken, and mentally disturbed crazy person. When it was time for Morgan to die, I think we all felt that he was finally at peace.

Lee and Clementine
I love the Walking Dead adventure games on the 360, and the biggest reason is Lee. His character is so well written, and his relationship with adopted Clementine is even more interesting than Lee's many secrets. This poor little girl's parents are dead, and she clings to Lee for protection. Lee murdered his wife, and feels that his family is ashamed of him, but he is trying so hard to make amends by protecting this little girl with his life. Lee is a great father figure for Clem, and a character dripping with moral ambiguity.

Those are my favorites, but the dads are all over the place. Kenny, Dale, the governor, these stories are all about the dad making the insane choices necessary to survive a zombie apocalypse. Kirkman knows his audience, and everyone can find someone or some idea to personally relate to in The Walking Dead. I feel compassion and a bond with the fathers of the wasteland, and find the story to be much more engaging because of it.

(Carl's going to kill Rick someday HOLYSHITFORESHADOWSPOILER!!!)

Anime: Angel Beats

I find myself teetering on the giant opinion fence with this one. On the one side, you have a bland J-High School setup that brings absolutely nothing new to the table, with generic characters and a somewhat confusing plot. However, the other side has a narrative that asks some pretty bold questions about society. Angel Beats doesn't do anything particularly well, but the atheist inside me just couldn't help but be interested in such a dark religious story.

The entire premise of the series seems to have arisen from a single question, "Why is God so cruel?" When people die, they simply transfer to the next world, and enjoy their eternity as mindless sheep. However, there are a small group (conveniently teenagers), that are resisting their fate and standing up to God. There is a villain too, Tenshi, an adorable little girl who is trying to force these young rebels to submit and obey. The story is much denser than that, but really isn't worth the amount of time it takes to wrap your mind around it. Don't be surprised to still be a little confused all the way up to episode seven or so. All you need to know is that the group of kids are trying to fight their shitty fate, and are using a lot of guns to do it.

The main problem with the series ends up being the teenagers themselves. The main guy, Otonashi, is the classic, "Im too stupid and new to the situation to figure anything out on my own so please explain everything in detail as I am also used as an avatar for the viewer to receive information about the show" character, and is extremely yawn-worthy.(He also has amnesia, no fucking joke). He gains a slight bit of depth when the show fills in his backstory a few episodes in though, but not nearly enough to save him. Otonashi's love interest, Yurippe, is easily the most interesting character, but the rest of the group, Otonashi included, are a mixed bag of ninja-wannabes, Japanese street toughs, a music enthusiast (who sings the worst, WORST, anime-specific pop music I have ever heard), and even a short-statured nerdy computer hacker. Bad.

Other problems include the music, which is poorly chosen, and when it comes to the frequent concerts they make the viewer sit through, it's unbearable. The art direction, which uses a superior animation program during those awful concerts, making the rest of the anime look like poop in comparison. The dialogue is particularly bad, and not just from poor translation. There are lengthy conversations about absolutely nothing,  and many Japanese culture based jokes that are usually adapted for American audiences in most anime series.

Now, to where Angel Beats really succeeds. Despite all of it's shortcomings, Angel Beats shines when the topic of religion is presented. Some of these characters, Yurippe especially, don't just disagree with the idea of God, they want God himself destroyed. The atheistic and Christian blashempic ideas and beliefs are ever-present, pushing the envelope in a way that I have never had the pleasure of seeing before in anime. The only other anime that I can think of that similarly plays with controversial topics like these is Full Metal Alchemist, and they never reference Jesus or God like this series does. Angel Beats has a huge pair of atheist testicles to center a series around the assault and attempted murder of the Christian god, and for that, I love it.

Anime needs some more ideas, and less convention. The anime renaissance is over, and for a while, it really felt like the generic was becoming normal again. Angel Beats seems to be aiming to keep those walls down, asking provocative questions and poking fun at some of the absurdities of religion. It's really too bad that the rest of the anime is as sloppy as it is, because this show could really have made a place for itself on the sparsely populated pantheon of great anime series. 2/5

Similar too: Persona, Real Bout High School, Dual Parallel Trouble Adventure
Best Character: Yurippe
Worst Character: The Singing in English Dancing Guy
Best Episode: 4: Day Game

Anime: Panty and Stocking

When it comes to anime, there are many sections and sub-sections, my favorite of which, is eccentric. Also called random asian by many otaku, this genre has such heavy hitters as Excel Saga, FLCL, Shin-chan, Bobobo-bo bo-bobo and Dead Leaves. True to this tradition, Panty and Stocking deliver the weird, in a filthy-mouthed, explosion-heavy kinda way.

So, the unimportant story is as follows: There is a city, on the faultline between heaven and hell, that is routinely attacked by ghosts. In the opening episode, the metropolis is plagued by a ghost that is eating people while they are taking shits. This toilet monster is is challenged and then quickly eradicated by two angels, Panty, and Stocking. These girls use their undergarments as weapons in showdown after showdown that starts to have a No More Heroes kinda vibe after a few episodes. They take their orders from a priest named Garterbelt, drive a car named See Through, and shoot a pantygun named Backless.

 The dialogue is littered with swearing and cussin, and it matches the Teen Titans/ Puffy Amiyumi art style perfectly.You'll actually be a shocked a few times when conversations suddenly shift to topics like orgasms, jizz, morning wood, girls pooping, black dicks and pedophilia. This show has more than just crass sexual humor going for it though, there are no wasted frames, the action is super fast and never goes in the direction you expect it too, and the girls themselves are genuinely funny. Panty fucks every guy she meets while Stocking has an obsession with sugar. The art style changes on a whim sometimes, going to hyper-realistic and then to live action when a ghost is being officially killed.

There is a great sense of humor here, and thats why shows like these always end up becoming favorites of mine. I love an anime that can make fun of itself, and spend time finding ways to make me laugh. This is a great example of the new anime era getting something right, and departing from some of the cliches and trappings of the old school. If you enjoy the absurdity of classics like FLCL or Those Who Hunts Elves, then this is a great step forward into the next generation of eccentric anime.




4/5

Anime: Baccano!

Remember when you watched The Godfather, and you thought to yourself, "Wouldn't it be a good idea if these mobsters all had superpowers?" Remember when you thought to yourself, "Yeah, that's a pretty dumb idea"? Well, the creators of Baccano! had the first thought, but not the second one. Taking place in 1930 prohibition America, Baccano! follows several protagonists, most of which with the ability to regenerate any loss of limb or blood, through a violent adventure.

The story's perspective switches rapidly, with some scenes lasting just seconds, taking the Witch Hunter Robin style drab urban setting into an exciting place to be observing. The show is surprisingly brutal, and not that sissy Rurouni Kenshin bullshit, but shocking, spontaneous violence. Not five minutes into the first episode, a very young child gets his head blown clean off his shoulders, another scene shows two mobsters talking quietly inside a bookstore when a car suddenly pulls up outside and fills the shop, (and the guys) with an extreme amount of bullets. It's animated violence used in an exciting way, and it makes the sometimes overlong conversation scenes genuinely exciting, because as the viewer you know, that some macabre action could erupt at any second.

It's weird to see the Japanese perspective on American gangsters. Its unfortunate that they get a lot of it wrong, or at least, it isn't the way that we yankees were told it was growing up. Mobsters in this show talk about murder and crime openly and loudly, even to police officers, which just feels incorrect. Aren't Italian mobsters known for being super secretive? Talking in code? Killing people quietly and dumping them in rivers? It might be a minor criticism, but sometimes the obvious actions of the wiseguys just feels unauthentic.

The characters themselves are numerous, and range from extremely well-rounded and interesting, to poorly written and aggravatingly one dimensional, even for anime. The best of these characters is Firo, voiced by the amazing Todd Haberkorn, and the worst is a fretful, ever-scared boy named Jacuzzi, voiced by who cares. Jacuzzi is the name of a main character, I'm not making that shit up, but the best naming mistake is naming a train, a mainstay for 3+ episodes, a location where all the main characters meet and exchange gunfire, the Flying Pussyfoot. Since the Flying Pussyfoot is such a big deal, you'll get to hear each character say in numerous times each episode, making it completely hilarious, but also ruining the mood and ambience of the episodes that it is involved in.

This show is unique in it's setting, above average in it's writing, and definitely not a series to be missed. I'll be the first fan to admit that most anime is complete and total garbage, but it's little gems like this that make the entire process worth it. Watch it.

Favorite Character: Firo
Worst Character: Jacuzzi and the President
Similar to: Cowboy Bebop and Witch Hunter Robin
Not Similar to: Gundam SD



4/5