5 Things To Do As Femshep

So, I played all three Mass Effects as dudeshep. Now that ME3's ending has been "fixed", and I've had a couple months to stop being angry about it, I think it is time to replay the greatest sci-fi RPG series ever as Shepard's female version. However, there are a few things I want to do differently this time around, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. Here are five things I plan to correct as Lady Shepard.

5: Don't fuck Jack.

So, in ME2, I was trying to bang Miranda, which is easier said than done. She flirts with me, tells me that she's interested in a relationship, and in the same sentence tell me that she needs some space. So one day, after a typical blue ball conversation with Miranda, I head down to the Normandy basement, and poke Jack for an hour or so. No strings attached, just hardcore space sex. The next day, Im flirting with Miranda, and Jack threatens to kill me. "Leave me the fuck alone." I will this time Jack, you crazy bitch.

4: Support Conrad Verner.

I was such an ass to this guy, and he's Shepard's biggest fan. I even punched him! This poor bastard did what all the rest of us dream of doing, summoning the courage to talk to their hero.  Is he a lunatic that will probably become a mass murderer? Probably, but damn does he have heart. I got your back this time ConCon.

3: Bang Kaiden.

So, as Dudeshep, I killed Kaiden, and let Ashley live. Big mistake. I regretted it five minutes after the decision, and had to live with it for 2 1/2 more games. Im making it all right this time Kaiden, Im going to romance your brains out, as long as you keep shooting electrical brain explosions at our enemies. I hate Ashley.

2: Kill the Rachni Queen.

This was the first serious moral decision that I can remember being presented with the first time around. The problem with the Rachni was an amazingly well-written dilemma, and I found myself struggling with it. I saved the race. This time, I want to explore the darker side, and experience third hand the price of genocide. Rachni queen, when you meet Sheshep, run the fuck away.

1: Save Mordin.

Those who know me know that the Krogan are my favorite species, but my favorite character, and in my opinion one of the greatest video game characters of all time, is Mordin. And I couldn't save his life. His inner turmoil is absolutely riveting, the clinic he runs, the Krogan genophage he helped create, his morbid, demonic sense of humor, makes him everything I look for in a well-rounded character. Mordin is a perfect example of why video games should be in the art conversations, and not the game discussions. Im saving you this time man, I promise.

Next on the List: Rambo

A nerd movie doesn't necessarily have to include lasers, aliens, elves, dragons or John Williams music. Sometimes, a testosterone filled, explosion stuffed blood bath can be nerdy too. Especially when it's the most violent quadrilogy ever, Rambo. It wasn't even originally on the list, but was added after much discussion. So far, Neko and I have watched First Blood and Rambo: First Blood part 2, and John Rambo is just as badass as I remember him from my childhood. Most of the other movies that I loved as a little kid just don't hold up as an adult, (my ninja turtles, for example), my Rambo most definitely does.

In First Blood part 1, there is a scene where Sheriff Brian Dennehy is escorting Rambo out of town, because he thinks Rambo is a drifter. Rambo asks Mr. Dennehy, "Why are you pushing me?" That line starts the good old fashioned murdering of police officers, with spikes through the balls, explosive arrows, freefalls onto rocks from a helicopter, Rambo encasing himself in mud and jump-stabbing unaware cops, and then of course, the annihilation of an entire town by one man with lots of guns.

The Rambo trilogy is great, and the new one really was pretty good. I encourage everyone who has a teenage little brother, who thinks that UFC is hardcore, to sit their misinformed sibling down, pop in some Rambo, and show them what real violence is, and what it means to be American.

FPS vs. My closed, ignorant mind

My little brother plays a lot of shooters. He loves Call of Duty, obviously, but even when he was much younger, he played the shit out of Killzone, Bioshock, even terrible games like Just Cause. So, he gets Battlefield 3 a few days ago, and I try it out. I don't enjoy FPS multiplayer, its too twitchy, and quick reaction speed trumps actual strategy and precision, so, I tried Battlefield 3's single player campaign, and I love it.

It makes me think, that maybe I shouldn't give FPS games as much shit as I do, being as this is one of the many times a campaign has impressed me. I played Modern Warfare 2's single player a few months ago, and it was a roller coaster, a really sharp story, lots of tense gunfights, it was a blast. The single player experiences of Battlefield 3 and Call of Duty are just as good as some of my favorite FPS's of old, Goldeneye, Prey, Fear, Red Faction, so what's the difference?

I really, really, love Prey

The difference IS the multiplayer. This new era shooter culture plays strictly for the multiplayer, so the developers aren't building the games for people like me, who want a story, and a frighteningly exciting journey of shooting nazis. So, while Battlefield 3 is a blast, and every bit as good as Prey, the difference slaps me in the face when I see Battlefield's endgame credits after 5 hours. What the shit.

Dunks.

 Back in 6th grade, I was the fucking man. I had a Pallet Town hat, a clear Digimon backpack, (which held my Pokemon cards in order by set + shinies), with my purple gameboy color attached to my belt. When I got to school every morning , we all crowded into a circle on the playground, and compared our newest cards. While other more athletic children played sports around us, we were trading shinies, linking gameboys to get poliwraths, and eating teddy grahams. I was the leader, the captain, of these socially awkward little pokemaniacs. I could've used some shoes like these.

Especially when that new kid Cezary showed up one day, showing off with his blue version. Yeah, it's different, but blue has meowth and bellsprout, red has growlithe and oddish. Fuck the blue version. If I had some kicks like these when I was in 6th grade, then my throne would never been usurped by that polish imposter. Wherever you are today Cezary, go fuck yourself.

Thanks Nintendo?

So, I know this happened almost a year ago, but I've been playing a little Zelda today, and it got me to thinking about this new official timeline. I'm kind of disappointed that they even made one.

Game companies intentionally leave their fans in the dark about the simplest of things all the time, so why now, did Nintendo actually decide to do something nice for Zelda fans? I think it's too little too late. The disputed timeline has been a big Zelda topic for so long now, that it actually adds a really cool mystery to the series. I enjoy arguing over the original being chronologically the last, I like discussing the split theory, and now, well, that element is over.







That's not to say that I don't agree with the official timeline, although three branches is a weird choice. It seems to confirm what most of Zelda fans concluded on their own, so, it's safe to say, that if Nintendo had just released this in the first place, then it would have saved us all a lot of fucking trouble.

Tolkien appreciation day!

So, my 16 year old little brother lives with me now, and there are hundreds of vital nerdy things that he hasn't experienced. We made a list of movies that he needs to see, and now that we finished the Indiana Jones trilogy, it's on to Lord of the Rings. Of course, after fellowship and the two towers, Neko is drooling, totally hooked, and very anxious to see Return of the King.

That got me to thinking, the medieval-fantasy genre is enjoying quite the resurgence these days, but does anyone appreciate where it all came from? Every elf you create in Skyrim, every orc you kill in WoW, every Salvatore book you buy, every DnD saving throw you make, every re-watch of The Highlander you enjoy, every mana you tap, every wandering monster you play, and every thundaga you cast, was made possible by this man. Before Tolkien, elves were only found helping Santa Claus, and dwarves and midgets were the same thing.

So, as I bake the pizza rolls and put the mountain dew in the freezer in preparation for 3 1/2 hours of Peter Jackson magic, I just want to send a little thank you to the man who is the most responsible for who I am today. In a town full of Twilight/Harry Potter/Game of Thrones/ fans, I guess i'm just the Tolkien white guy.

Here's the list btw..

Not far from the tree

My son Oliver, once again, busy making his father very, very proud.