Deus Ex: Human Revolution is about abortion

This is a L.I.M.B. Clinic. In future Detroit, this is the place you would go to get a new metal arm, leg, an eyeball that can see through walls, or a parachute that can deploy out the back of your neck. Body augmentation is expensive, and a lot of future Detroit citizens do not agree with a human being mechanically enhancing themselves. So, what do these purists do when the clinic simply won't shut down and continue to replace the body parts of consenting adults with robotic ones? They burn the fucking clinic down! Sound familiar?

I love where video games are going in terms of discussing real world problems. Developers are inserting their opinions into the games they craft, and it becomes so much more than a political conversation when you are manually navigating a specially designed world where this problem is happening. Bioshock Infinite had a very specific message about the history of our nation, Prey forced us to witness the plight of the modern Native American, Mass Effect was a controversial decision making gauntlet, and I distinctly remember saying aloud while playing LA Noire, "I don't care if he's the guy, just make the arrest so we can move on." 

So when I walk down the streets of Detroit future, and up the steps to a Limb clinic to get my new lungs that can filter poison gas installed in my chest, Im assaulted by protesters, dicks with signs, screaming slogans like, "Stop playing god!", "We won't be slaves to super soldiers!", and my favorite, "Looks like your new ugly augmentation is working just fine". The idea of evolution falling out of nature's hands and directly into a technology corporation may be a little disturbing, but the game developers here have found a very clever way of discussing scientific advancement, specifically, the kind that can alter our bodies. 

Yes, I know that the game isn't all about augmentation. You travel to China and discover that a computer, not a person, is in complete control of every piece of news that the world's public sees, and controls what conversations we have about it. It's a big conspiracy and completely sentient artificial intelligences always terrify me, but that is a post for another day. Pro-choice is where I stand, so rip the baby out, and give me a new metal ass while you're down there please.

Even in the future, Detroit is still Detroit

Dad Talk: Letting Your Children Choose For Themselves

This was just for a photo, not trying to influence Oliver's sports bias at all, I swear!

When I was growing up, I was told what religion I was. I was told what sports teams were my favorite, what car companies I would be exclusively purchasing from, what foods were normal, and I was certainly assaulted with my family's opinion on which politicians were worth voting for. I rebelled and rejected my red religious family's bullshit and dangerous outlook on life, but that was eventually, most of my childhood was spent wasting time on what had been decided for me, and not by me. One of the first silent pledges I made when I became a father just two and a half years ago was that I would never influence Oliver's decision making, (of course if it's life threatening or just plain dangerous), and I would let him decide what he thinks and what he likes.

 This is easier said than done when it comes to nerd parents. I love DC Comics, and I rejected Marvel a long time ago. Oliver is currently curious about Marvel, asking me questions about Spiderman instead of Superman, he thinks Magneto is cooler than the Joker. I try to hide the knife sticking out of my heart, while I answer his questions. Nerds and geeks are the most loving people on the planet, and thats why we can get a little "like this and not that, trust me" when it comes to our kids. It's because when I think about Star Trek, I think of just how much joy it has brought me, and I think about what Pokemon was like the first time I beat it, I just want that joy and elation in Oliver's life too. 

There is hope my fellow nerd parents, remember, you can be a nerd about anything whatsoever. As long as you obsess, learn, and pour your heart into something, whatever it is, you can be nerdy about it. The great Will Wheaton said "Being a nerd isn't about what you love, it's about how you love it." So I'm going to step back, and let Oliver pick what interests him. Worst case scenario, he becomes a catholic UFC/Tapout fan, but even if that happens, I am going to be right beside him, helping him nerdily obsess over whatever he happens to devote his life too. Remember those kids from Jesus Camp? Yeah, let's not do that to our babies.

This is a video of Will Wheaton from Star Trek, explain to an unborn fan's daughter about just why it's so awesome to be a nerd. Absolutely relevant to this post, and one of the best messages ever. 

A Peek Inside Mordor: What republicans are up to this week

 We start with this asshole, Ken Cuccinelli. He's currently the Virginia Attorney General and the Republican candidate for governor in 2013. I called him an asshole because this man is OBSESSED with assholes. Really, he has devoted his tenure as Attorney General fighting to uphold Virginia's anti-sodomy laws. A crime to fuck, or get fucked in the ass, and good ol' butthole fiend Ken is fine with it. He is looking to replace Virginia's current governor, Bob McDonnell, and distance himself from his own involvement in the chicken dinner scandal. Ken Cuccinelli is a very corrupt tomato, who won the republican nomination for governor by forcing the vote to be taken by the census attending a republican convention, instead of everyday voters. Expect to see Ken lay off the gay word and only talk about taxes until he's elected, however, the RNC threw him quite the curveball a couple days ago when they told Ken that this man (below) is going to be his running mate. Holy shit, I'll bet Ken pooped himself.

This is Bishop Jackson, the new running mate for Ken Cuccinelli who was not chosen by Ken Cuccinelli. He was chosen by the RNC, and honestly, he may be the most right-wing person I've ever researched. He is anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-Obama, anti-any-religion-that-doesnt-love-jeebus. He also made this amazing video detailing the evils (his word, not mine) of Planned Parenthood, being a liberal, muslims, and democrats. Seriously, watch it. Seriously.

Let's stay in Virginia, and finish with Mark Obenshain, Virginia's republican senator. This unholy gremlin introduced legislation that would require, by law, for women to report their miscarriages TO THE MOTHERFUCKING POLICE. You know what happens if you don't call the police station and report your heavy flow? Jail time. Seriously. Don't republicans hate big government? Isn't the arrest and prosecution of women who have periods a really big government thing to do? What the fuck Virginia? I never thought that a purple state could evolve into....

Have a wonderful Memorial Day, and hug your kids.

Oliver's new Magneto action figure

I promised that I would not steer Oliver in a DC Comics direction, that I would let him decide which heroes and villains he liked, on his own. So, he loves Magneto, and I bought him a Magneto action figure. He went apeshit.

Magneto ended up killing The Thing, Captain Hook, Bowser, Pignite, Axew, Geodude, Pikachu, Megatron, a Shyguy, and the Green Lantern Hal Jordan by the time Oliver was done with his spree.

Xbox One: Are you fucking kidding?

I don't own a ps3, during the last console launch, I picked a side. I picked Microsoft, because I really liked Xbox Live, Dead Rising had blown my mind, and I thought the 10$ a month wasn't the end of the world. In fact, the games ended up being so good, (that year was Bioshock, Oblivion, Gears of War and Prey) that I forgave them after 3 red rings of death. 3!!!! On top of that, the 3rd new Xbox 360 that I had to replace came out of my own pocket, because I had done the stupid towel trick and broke my warranty. My fault but still, it shouldn't have malfunctioned in the first place, who installs a plastic fucking heat chip anyway? It's designed to heat up, did it ever occur to the most advanced company in the world that plastic melts? Especially when it's installed on top of the part that produces the most heat? 

Look closely my fellow libs, any idea why Microsoft employees would be watching The 700 Club? 

 It wasn't just the constant red rings, my gamertag was lost once, along with all gamerscore and download history with it. I've turned auto-renewal on my gold membership and been charged 3 more months anyways, it's been a love hate relationship. Despite all of that nonsense, I've been pretty happy with my 360, the games simply made up for everything else. Yeah, I missed out on Resistance, and Uncharted 3, but for the most part, I've never really felt that I was missing anything.

That's why this Xbox One reveal is so disturbing. 

- All games will have a key that is registered to the user profile

-Games will be forced to install to the hard drive and don't need the disc afterwards

-Any other profile, even those on the same console try to play the game, then they must purchase a liscense key (it's the full price of the game)

-The console must connect to the internet once every 24 hours or it won't fucking let you in

-Games will not be backwards compatible

6) No expandable Hard drive and games are installed onto the hard drive from the disc. Meaning, along with storing films and music you will run out room very quickly.

7) Kinect device HAS to be connected for console to play

8) Kinect device always on (whether console powered up or not) so ALWAYS LISTENING

9) Still no absolute clarity on buying 2nd hand games - seems there will be 'nominal' fee to pay MIcrosoft if you want to, no work on how much this is.

Are you out of your minds? All of this just to crush the used game market? It seems that you're fucking over your customers to make some more money. I don't buy used games, I like to support the developer, but I am certainly not in favor of forcing everyone to emulate me. So when I bought Bioshock Infinite and let Steph play it on her gamertag you had a problem with that? Because if I want us both to enjoy a new game on the Xbox One it's going to cost me 120$.  Is this really what Microsoft is going to do?

This video sums the reveal up perfectly

If Sony goes the opposite route, or at the very least doesn't fuck their customers over like this during the ps4 launch, then I will absolutely jump ship. I love Xbox games, and yes I will feel like Im missing out, but my integrity means more to me than your 6-month AAA exclusives. Nintendo is quite happy with their decision to forget the hardcore and focus on the casual, and now you seem to be shifting your attention to the sports/call of duty jocks. I can't believe Im saying this but, help me Sony, you're my only hope.

This Week

Deus Ex is next, and I wrote a list for the 19 cheevos that I didn't get the first time around. Corporate justice will finally come to the harsh streets of future Detroit.

Chrono Cross

Chrono Cross is one of the greatest video game experiences that I have ever had. This was back in Square's prime, when they dropped a fucklear bomb of legendary RPG's all within a couple years of each other. To me, Chrono Cross stood atop that mountain, and I still consider it the under-appreciated game of it's time. It's got an enormous story, a bajillion playable characters, gay French swordsmen, dwarves in tanks, skeleton clowns, a completely unique fighting system and two of the hardest boss fights ever programmed. It's also got a barn full of velociraptors that you have to feed corn too.

The toughest boss in the game is......this guy

 The game begins with cliche no-talkie-protagonist Serge falling into a parallel dimension where he died ten years prior. He treks across the continent, gathering friends in an attempt to set things right, get home, and stop this dude named Lynx from getting ahold of the Frozen Flame and fucking everything the shit up. It gets progressively crazier, and at every turn along the way is another teammate to recruit. Since there are so many, you end up doing everything from raising a dragon to stealing art just to get a new face in the party. The game's strength is really it's cast, and bringing those zany characters into your fights. I beat a giant ancient green dragon with a sentient voodoo doll, a bipedal cat swordsman and a martian named Sparky.

Materialistic bitch.

 There was a predecessor to Cross, Chrono Trigger, and I can't stand it. The reason that Cross is so much better is the attention to story. Chrono Cross's battle system is different than Trigger's, every move is a serious decision, the fights are much more tense, and the 70% critical hits are always a scary high risk high reward gamble. Square made it challenging, but in a rewarding way, not just straight-up train-raping you into level grinding for hours on end.

So when you think back to all those great late 90's Square rpg's, mention Chrono Cross alongside Legend of Dragoon, Secret of Mana, FF7, and Parasite Eve. It deserves the recognition. 

Arkham City's Awesome Bosses

I finally beat Arkham City, 100 years after it's release, and now that it's done, the biggest part of the game that sticks out for me were the boss fights. This game had some crazy awesome bosses, and Im gonna list my flaves.  All of these left a good impression on me, and a couple of them are legendary.

Mad Hatter

Drugged and disoriented, Batman wakes up to a sadistic tea party where he must punch and kick rabbit-men on a giant clock. What makes this fight great is that it's an altered perception of whats really happening, and in the midst of fighting, you get the occasional real glimpse of Hatter. When you do, fuck him up. This fight was great.

Clayface

After a big plot twist, I am forced to postpone my shock as Clayface wastes no time in turning his hands into sickles and swinging them at my batface. This duel requires precision, quick reflexes, and a twitchy left index finger. First time Ive seen Clayface beaten by ice.

Solomon Grundy

Its hard to make Grundy scary. Hes a comic, a joke, and in this game, hes terrifying. Super charged with electricity and swinging two massive stone flails, you have to dodge, plant bombs, and run like hell all while The Penguin heckles you from the rafters. Awesome.

Mr. Freeze

This fight reminded me of Metal Gear, where my footprints become my enemy. This isnt an Arnold version of Freeze, this is the super-calculating genius, who will hunt you down in whatever corner you hide in. You get his fucking gun after you kick his ass too, sweet.

The Riddler

The Riddler wins this game, and is easily the best villain in Arkham City. Throughtout the Huge Strange plot, the Ra's reveal, and the Joker chaos, there is always one villain still making you solve puzzles and collect trophies, Riddler. Every 30 riddles or so, he contacts you and makes you solve a puzzle room with an innocent person's life on the line. His puzzles are tough, and his constant jokes and remarks are infuriating. He is the hardest to defeat, and his boss fight lasts the entire game. 

Celebrity Apprentice Ice Cream, Xcom Shooter

Celebrity Apprentice All Stars is down to it's finale, and the only two people left are Trace Atkins, and my hero, Penn Jillette. Lil Jon came in third though, which is a big fucking deal. The king of crunk is also a force in the boardroom, and only got fired because he was the Lebron in Cleveland. The final task is that each man has to invent an ice cream and sell it at walgreens, most sales wins, I went out and bought a pint of Penn's ice cream, to support the Atheists.

Also, my runner-up for game of the year 2012, Xcom, is getting a spin-off 3rd person shooter that looks really fucking good. Xcom: Enemy Unknown was a huge successful RTS last year, and the fact that 2K Marin wants the franchise to succeed is such great news. Here's a pic and the trailer. 

Have a great Tuesday!

Republican Douchebags; An Infinite List

It's a project that will take a lifetime to accomplish, a complete list of all Republican dipshits, you know, the ones who kill and ruin others' lives for their own political advancement? Well, the list is impossible to finish because new members keep applying daily. Here are a few of this month's inductees. 

Mark Sanford

Sanford is an unstoppable political asshole. The man cheated on his wife with an Argentinian woman, lied about where he was when he was doing it, (said he was hiking the Appalachians, when he was in Argentina banging this girl) and it was then revealed that he stole South Carolina treasury funds to take the vacation. THIS MAN NOW HAS HIS JOB BACK. That's right, smart well-informed South Carolinians just recently sent this man back to congress.  Mark voted to impeach Clinton in the 90's because of Bill's "Immoral Behavior". Good job South Carolina, you deserve only the best. 

Jim DeMint

Mark Sanford got his job in congress back because this man, Jim DeMint, resigned from his seat in the house to accept a better paying job running The Heritage Foundation; a conservative think tank. DeMint is ranked by The National Journal as "The most conservative member of the senate", he opposes abortion even in cases of incest and rape, and pushes for not only prayer in public fucking school, but he wants "God Bless America" plastered on front of every school building in the country. This is the man that the republican party is going to get their unbiased political ideas from. Sweet.

Jason Richwine

This handsome devil was an employee of the aforementioned Heritage Foundation, (he recently stepped down) who authored a report that said immigration reform would cost 6.3 trillion dollars. His report was criticized by the left for not including any mention of the benefits of immigration. What was really amazing was that after a little prying, it was discovered that Mr. Richwine had written a previous paper about how mexicans have low IQ's genetically, and that their unborn children will be stupid too. Jason's big idea is that we should only allow those with high IQ's into the country, oh yeah, and he identifies himself as a white nationalist. SHOCKER.

Tom Coburn

The junior senator from my birth state, Oklahoma, Tom Coburn is a man I have a bipolar relationship with. One day, I like him because he is one of the only 2 repubs who voted against the war in Iraq, and then the next day I find out he opposes gay marriage. So here, I'll list his political stances, and you make up your own mind.

- Tom wrote a health care plan in 2009 that included the following goals, "1) prevent disease and promote healthier lifestyles, 2) create affordable and accessible health insurance options, 3) equalize the tax treatment of health care, 4) modernize the Medicaid and Medicare beneficiary choice, 5) ensure compensation for injured patients and 6) establish transparency in health care price and quality."

-Tom Coburn opposes gay marriage

-He has been quoted as saying, "I will tell you personally that I think going to Iraq was a mistake."

-Tom Coburn opposes abortion in every case except when the mother's life is at risk.

-He is a memeber of John McCain's "Fiscal Watch Team."

-He authored the HIV prevention bill of 1997 which would make it a crime not to inform your partner of your sickness before intercourse

-Tom Coburn voted against background checks, gun trafficking regulations, and the ban on high capacity magazines.

The class of May 2013!!

FUCK!

Fuck this fucking trophy. Holy shit, Im sleepy, and so fucking stupid frustrated. Fuck you Edward Nigma, you're a total douche.

Superman vs Batman

I love DC Comics, and my loyalty to the brand originates from my obsession with Superman. Clark has always been my favorite superhero, and after hundreds and hundreds of arguments about who would win in a fight, I'm going to present my side of the scuffle here. Superman is better than Batman. This isn't just about who to bet on in a brawl, it's also about who does their job better, and who is most deserving of your attention. Here are my justifications.

 #1: Batman protects a city, Superman protects a planet

Yes, I know that in the modern storylines, Batman has taken a much more global approach to crime fighting, by dividing his time between the Justice League and Gotham, and installing the Brother Eye satellite. However, Superman has been global for decades, LEADING the Justice League, and stopping villains who threaten the safety of the planet Earth, as opposed to a psycho who threatens the city of Gotham. Superman's problems are much bigger in scale. Take a look at their primary villains. Batman has The Joker, Freeze, Ivy, Bane, Black Mask, Two-Face, The Penguin, etc. Have any of these guys ever had any aspiration outside of Gotham City? Lex Luthor, Braniac, Zod, Doomsday, Darkseid, Bizarro, have all had plans that would have destroyed our beloved home if Superman hadn't intervened. The only example that Bat has is Ra's, and thats pushing it. Batman's fights are epic, Superman's are legendary.

#2: Superman can respond to any emergency immediately

Are you being mugged by five guys dressed as different playing cards? (The always hilarious Royal Flush Gang) Well, after crawling to the Police Station following your uninterrupted mug-stabbing, you can file a report and wait for 25 others to suffer the same thing. When the body count reaches 30 or so, then Gordon will flash the signal and explain to Batman what is happening, then your justice will be served somewhere between 7 and 10 issues later. If you are lucky enough to live in Metropolis, then you never get stabbed, because Superman needs to only change his pants before swiftly rescuing you.

#3: Superman fights for justice, Batman has a personal vendetta
There is a big difference between hero and vigilante. For instance, one would never punch a woman, and the other punches girls, all the time. Like, every issue.

#4: Superman doesn't need sidekicks

Batman has several, and Superman has none. Yes, Superboy and Supergirl are around, but they have joined teams of their own, or have grown into their own stand-alone heroes. Never, have they patrolled Metropolis together. Bruce has multiple sidekicks living with him at any given time. In his house.



#5: Superman WOULD win in a fight
Everyone's favorite, but contrary to popular belief, Superman would win this one. Sure, Batman is the world's greatest detective, and given enough time to prepare he can finish anyone, I've heard all of those arguments. But Supes has experience, a better resume, and superior abilities. There really isn't a contest here, at all. There never was. He beat Darkseid sir, fucking Darkseid. Did you read that issue? Have you heard about it? It was fucking crazy.

Iphone Games

I got a new iphone 5 a couple weeks ago, and I have been toying around with some games, trying to see if this really is a viable medium for portable gaming, or just 1,000 different versions of Angry Birds and Cut the Rope. So far, the experience has been pleasant, and the games that I do end up downloading have all been impressive so far. I've learned the hard way that ignoring the App store top charts is a good idea, and that every game you purchase should be investigated beforehand, by reading reviews and learning as much as possible. The great games are hidden. Here's the few that I have bought so far.

The Zelda case!

Infinity Blade 2 got my attention initially because of it's enormous production value. This game was made for the Iphone and Ipad, and it looks gorgeous, as if it were a console exclusive. The game plods from big ninja fight to big ninja fight, and though it feels on rails most of the time, the fights themselves are a blast. It has a God of War mixed with Ninja Gaiden feel to it. Great game.

Pixel People has been my obsession lately. This dev team made Tiny Tower for the ipad, which Steph loved, and their follow-up is even better. You clone new citizens and splice their genes to give them different professions. Then you thrust them out into your SimCity and proceed to micromanage their lives and productivity. The game does try to trick you into spending real money on the game's fake money, but avoiding that only means that you have to wait a longer amount of time for certain things. It's not a big deal and it doesnt take away from the overall experience. This game fucking rocks.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Final Fantasy Theatrhythm for the ios didnt come with a quest mode. Well, that has been patched, and Im really enjoying it. The game has perfect control sensitivity and the songs can get quite challenging. Im assuming that to get extra songs I have to pay cash, but what's offered initially is more than enough I think. Fuck you Cloud.

Robot Unicorn Attack 2 is at its core a simple dash game, but there are so many extras and power-ups that you forget about the simple game design. As your robot horn horse, so sprint to the right for infinity, collecting gems, and smash-tackling giants until you miss a jump or hit a wall. Then they count up your shit, and let you purchase power-ups for your unicorn, like wings or a stronger horn. This game is addictive, very addictive, be careful.