Star Wars Has A Timeline Advantage

Think about your favorite space operas. Star Trek, BSG, Mass Effect, Firefly, these are all epic stories of course, and I personally put Trek above all others, but Star Wars has a serious advantage that these other galactic masterpieces don't; their timeline is motherfucking ENORMOUS. Look at the timeline I provided above, the earliest date there is 25,783 BBY but that's just when Jedis first began. There are timelines out there that begin with the first life on Goroth Prime, at 5,000,000,000 (yes, 9 zeroes) BBY, like the official timeline at Wookieepedia. 

As imaginative as interstellar sci-fi can be, its range of history often feels limited. Star Trek's universe  is massive, and the timeline goes back to the big bang, but it doesn't really get interesting until space travel begins. Yes, Star Trek has that crazy human civilization that pollinated multiple worlds with our DNA 4 billion years ago, but Star Wars has ancient developed space traversing civilizations that pre-date that by hundreds of billions of years. What makes Star Wars' history so unique is that you are entering a fictional universe that has been running a massive cohabited intergalactic community of trillions for longer than planets have existed in the real world. Look at how hard we have to work to learn about daily life in ancient Pompeii, or how we don't know for certain who really discovered America first, the Star Wars races have had space flight longer than we have had a sun.

This is what makes Star Wars truly unique, not Death Stars and lightsabers. What would civilization look like 4 trillion years after space flight? Where we stand now in the Star Wars universe, in the time of Luke and Leia, is pre-dated by hundreds of mega civilizations rising and falling, several all-inclusive universal wars, and countless prominent force users. Luke Skywalker is mathematically insignificant regardless of how good he is with a plasma sword or who his dad is. He is crucial right now, but the tiniest of little blips when looked at from a historical standpoint. If the ancient Star Wars universe interests you at all, then I encourage you to play Knights of the Old Republic. It takes place 4,000 years before the Empire is founded, which is the span of time between the ancient Egyptians and the internet.

There's something I want to complain about before I end this. If you read the Star Wars timeline you'll discover the Kwa. The Kwa are an ancient race that pre-date all Jedis and Sith. The Kwa, like so many other advanced asshole races, thought that their superior technology gave them the right to speed-up or slow down the progress of other races. Encountering the primitive Rakata race, the Kwa taught them how to use the force before you know, checking to see if they were evil or not. If you dig back deep enough, you find that the underlying truth of the Star Wars universe is not balance and inevitability, but randomness and the consequences of stupid decisions. The Rakata, if left alone, would have developed normally, and probably eradicated the first time they tried to invade another civilization. Had the Kwa bothered to check, they would have quickly realized that the Rakata culture is an extremely violent one, a fact that the Kwa did eventually discover when the Rakata annihilated them. This good vs evil, light vs dark perpetual war that is waging currently could have been easily avoided if the ancients' egomania had been controlled. It's amazing how sci-fi reflects the real world so purely, no matter how innovative and different the subject matter is.

Burial At Sea Episode 2

Bioshock DLC has always been worth the money, and everyone who played Minerva's Den must agree that its a serious piece of art. I was excited when I saw that Infinite's last chapter came in two separate 2 gig parts, and as you start to notice just how large of an expanded story this as, you'll get the sense that they poured everything they had into this one. The story unfolds quickly with lots and lots of huge reveals, new areas that remind you of the extremism of Andrew Ryan in case you forgot, and the new plasmids are actually useful for a change.

I always start with the negatives, so first why in the world is there no map? You get thrust into these giant areas, with 5 or 6 different exits, all with interconnected air ducts and secret tunnels. There was a locked room with an audio diary I needed desperately, found the key later on and it took me an hour to re-find. I love this DLC, and I want the map to be the only problem I had with the game, but it simply isn't. There has been absolutely zero Radar Range ammo to find in the entire 4 hours that I have played. You start with 300/0 and that's it, you can't even get it from vending machines. The Radar Range is my favorite gun, it shoots microwaves into enemies until they explode, killing them and damaging those around their exploded body. They introduce new achievements requiring the repeated use of the Radar Range, but no ammo with which to do so. I've easily put 200 tranquilizer darts into splicers' shoulders, but I've only gotten to enjoy my favorite gun a handful of times.

Burial At Sea: Episode 2 has one of the best jump scares that I have ever fallen victim to. It involves Sander Cohen and it is truly frightening. It's cool to see the series pay homage to it's roots, the original Bioshock had some really scary moments, (do you remember the mannequin room? ), and like Resident Evil I thought that maybe it was replacing the horror with more action. 

The story takes a pretty big leap here, revealing that the "constants and variables" apply much more directly than previously thought. Like the little sisters/big daddies being a reflection of Elizabeth/songbird from another dimension, the same rings true for Suchong and Fink, Comstock and Ryan. They aren't similar, they are the same entity. It's not like the game said originally, that "every door has a city, every city has a man", its the SAME city and the SAME man, just in different places in the multiverse. This distinction is not subtle, it changes a lot, and I'm cool with it, I like it, but I just have one major reasoning problem. If Daisy really knew about the Luteces, and talked with them before she got scissored in the back, then she really knowingly died without telling anyone? If Suchong was really aware of Columbia and regularly going back and forth DURING Bioshock 1, then why is this the first we are hearing about it? The man was murdered by the clone in #1, Suchong knew it was coming, I have a very hard time believing that Suchong, Ryan, Fontaine, Daisy Fitzroy, Jeremiah Fink and Comstock all kept that huge of a secret from every other living person in total synchronicity.

I say this out of love, I adore this franchise. It has accomplished the impossible, a first person detective story that asks serious, serious political questions and demands that the player be a grown-up about it. It's fun to play, and somehow, 2K even managed to inject some steampunk in there without making it annoying. This is a DLC that, like the rest of the series, plays different if you're an American. Also, like the rest of the series, a must play.

Memorial Day

Remember the First Contact War? When the United States finally, after centuries of scientific advancements, probed the desolate space outside of our own universe for the first time. We were met with a race of beings much like ourselves, militaristic, unreasonably violent, Turians. However, we are militaristic people too, and we responded to their demands to go home by cracking open a frosty can of "blow me", and blew those fuckers out of the sky. You sit outside this Memorial Day and grill while you discuss grandpa's old shin that he lost when he fell into a gopher hole on Normandy beach, and I will be eating a Chipotle burrito while remembering the days that the USS Normandy spread our message of "fuck you we're American" through the galaxy. With lasers.

Playing Mass Effect is a great way to celebrate Memorial Day. There's a dripping Americana feeling when you solve intergalactic Krogan/Turian peace talks with a shotgun. Freeing human test subjects from a horrific torture facility, (evil because this particular one doesn't belong to USA) makes the American flag in my heart wave a little harder. I know that in the Mass Effect universe the society of humans is now the United Earth whatever, but the way we keep doing things sure does feel American. Muscling our way in to a group that doesn't want us, shooting those that get too loud about it, then with use of bully tactics, secure a seat on the council in 1/100th of the time that other races have been waiting for the same spot. 

We spent Memorial Day at historic Valley Forge National Park, because it is an important place and it is also 3 blocks from my house. You can see here how Oliver is brushing up on his Mass Effect cover system. We all know how those Reapers can come out of nowhere. 

I Beat Shadowrun Returns

Elves with turn of the century mustaches. I am bewildered as to why I have never thought of that before.

This was everything I hoped a Shadowrun sequel could be. The battles were basically just a graphically updated version of the original SNES version, and since Shadowrun's fights play a lot like Xcom's, I'm better at them now too. The story was impressive, blending a metropolitan cyberpunk murder mystery with a large-scale insectoid alien invasion of Earth. Like I do with every game I decide to write about, I kept a list of pros and cons next to me while I progressed through Shadowrun, but the cons seem trivial now that I finished the game. There are a couple things I didn't like, small things, irrelevant things, certainly not any flaw large enough to hide that Shadowrun Returns is a blast to play.

I'll start with the microscopic bad stuff just to get it out of the way. A small gripe that I have has to do with skill points, and that really cool things can be unlocked during conversations, but if you don't have the necessary skill points assigned to a specific category, then you're fucked. For example, the corrupt police chief will cough up a key to a secret safe, but you need a strength of 6 to get it out of him. If you don't have 6 points assigned to your strength stat, then you are out of luck, the key isn't accessible later. There's no way to know that's coming, (the same thing happens in Fallout constantly) which can get a little irritating, especially when you know that you're missing something good.

My dwarven street samurai's name was Blood Grape, and he lived to get paid. The decisions and talking points the game gives you really let you mold your own moral mercenary. Like the Mass Effect good/evil spectrum, Shadowrun Returns allows you to be a protecter of the innocent, an intimidator of the defenseless, or just a ruthless mercenary with no soul and an obsession with cash. You won't be altering endings or changing boss fights with your moral decisions, but your choice of personality absolutely changes what people say to you. The atmosphere in the local Shadowrunner bar is shapeable. The other mercs will show you respect if you're all about the money, while Mr. Kluwe, the giant troll bouncer will befriend a man of justice. It's a little addition that the original SNES version lacked, and it's certainly a welcome one.

Chris Kluwe's character is the absolute best part of the game

My initial feeling about the game after the credits finished scrolling was that Shadowrun Returns is really well made. The HD graphics and portraits are stunning, the combat is tight with minimal frustration, and the futuristic Seattle is really fun to jog around in. Back in the 90's, the original Shadowrun felt like a groundbreaking experiment, taking RTS RPG combat and putting it 100 years in the future with elves, dwarves and orcs. Unique games like that tend to develop some form of a cult following, and I always thought that us Shadowrun fans were just too small in number to ever be given the sequel we wanted so desperately. I am so fucking glad that I was wrong about that.

Dwarves and Politics

One of the frustrations that I have with the Lord of the Rings movies is that it will be the only Tolkien experience most watchers will ever have. I have always said that I model my personal way of behaving and thinking after dwarves, only to have, on numerous occasions, "but dwarves are racist and intolerant" thrown back at me. To those who believe Elijah Wood is the true Frodo that may be the case, but dwarven culture is much deeper, and their civilization's battle with bigotry much more complex.

I remember reading Lord of The Rings as a kid and immediately gravitating towards dwarves and their mead-soaked rambunctiousness. Dwarves are racially immune to magic, (fueling their distrust of elves) but in my young brain, busy forming the first rebellious thoughts against Christianity, this translated directly to being immune to bullshit. And magic is bullshit. Whether it's Forgotten Realms or D&D, Skyrim or Ferelden, magic is always portrayed as more powerful than it really is. Magic can never simply be cast, it always costs something, meaning that training in the arcane arts for 60 years only to be cut down because you didn't have the proper time mid-battle to dig out the exact 3 pieces of kobold hair you need to cast stoneskin is a wasted life. And you're stupid for pursuing it. Just like Batman, magic is only as powerful as the preparation time allowed, and dwarves seem to generally reject the entire religious-like structure of it all. Praise Moradin. 

It is true that your average dwarf mining the tunnels of Mithril Hall is probably a bigot, but what separates dwarves and elves is that dwarven heroes are not. Bruenor, Gimli, Thorin, Durin the 1st, all revered for their accomplishments in battle, and their overcoming of deep-rooted prejudices. Gimli calls Legolas friend, as Bruenor does Drizzt. Dwarves as a people revere those who accomplish great things after steep climbs, and I have taken this fictional fantasy race's admiration of tolerant leaders directly to the real world. J.R.R. Tolkien's writing led me straight to Malcom X's. 

Aside from being ultimately resistant to racist and magical bullshit, my favorite fantasy race of stunted people are completely anti gender bullshit too. Women fight, women forge, women even have beards, but what struck me so starkly as a young reader was that dwarves really have no definition of "manly". Sure, you're expected to be able to hold your booze or be consider a fop, but there are gruff dwarven dressmakers who receive as much respect as their work ethic earns. "The only trait or virtue that defines a good father is reliability." Bruenor's parenting will always be a golden example for me and makes me feel a little more comfortable about drinking wine and watching Project Runway every week.

The dwarven experience is not about distrusting elves and slaughtering goblins. It's about looking to your past, nodding at it in respect, and then forging ahead correcting your ancestors' mistakes. Dwarves are consistently passed over in popular medieval culture because their don't have the visual coolness that elves do, but I beg everyone to reconsider. Dwarves use magic practically, not stupidly, respect their women and revere the great leaders who accept everybody. Find me a single prominent elven city that can boast the same.

The Walking Dead: In Harm's Way

The Walking Dead truly has become an all encompassing universe. Like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Pokemon, TWD has books, games and television shows to give true fans a firm grasp on everything happening in the fantasy world they love so much. Kirkman's writing is at it's best when he covers the idea of children growing up during the zombie apocalypse, and like Carl in the books/tv show, Clementine is a fascinating character. I was really excited to play season 2's newest chapter, and see just how Clem is progressing now that Kenny is back.

I found myself approaching the new decisions with extreme cynicism. Like Clem and crew, I've been around the undead block a few times, so I had Clementine react as such. She's seen a few mad pyscho leaders in the first season, so I treated the new d-bag (Carver is his name) with absolutely no respect, even when he punished Clem's friends for her disobedience. The new woman, Bonnie, turned the group over to Carver's group, and I made sure that Clementine blamed her viciously for the murders that resulted from her betrayal, even when Bonnie tried to sincerely apologize. In a world with no law enforcement, I find it funny that these villains believe they have more freedom to do bad, when I think the opposite should be true. When you do wrong to a single person, one who has no police or government to seek justice from, you are creating a situation sustainable only by vengeance. 

Carver isn't anyone special, which I found kind of disappointing. He enters the story by tying up the entire group, then killing a couple men and torturing a couple more. He then brings us all back to his camp, where he employs the predictable forced labor and brainwashing techniques. I made sure Clementine refused to see any merit in cruelty, and when Carver takes her up to his office, to have a very serious conversation about switching sides, the game gave me a rare opportunity to see just how far my real world societal outlook could go. I had Clem explain that evil is not necessary, that there is no yin and yang, and that forcing your opinion of "right" on anyone is a betrayal of the human experience. I then beat him to death with a crowbar.

One of my favorite comedians, Kumail Nanjiani plays a one-armed wise cracker in this episode, and I was a little shocked at just how natural his jokes were in such a bleak environment. This episode is great, and just like the books, I feel like I am really growing with these characters. Clem and Kenny have been around since the very beginning, and though they are so radically different now, there remains a bond that was forged through Lee's death, the prison-school, and the kidnapper who kept his wife's zombie head in a bowling bag. 

The Pennsylvania Shitquake of 2014

Last night, at about 3am, I was woken up by my girlfriend Stephanie, hysterically begging for help. Our daughter, just 8 days old, was having a very epic diaper change. For those of you without children, you should know that infants have powerful shits that can scar your cortex permanently. I sprung out of bed, hazily shaking off the confusion from being jolted out of my dream, (I'm pretty sure I was fighting orcs in it) only to find that our daughter had crapped directly into Steph's bare hand. Like Indiana Jones lifting the chalice from the ancient pedestal, Phoebe had blessed Stephanie with a goblet of feces to be carried away by her pretty, manicured hand. It was on the crib sheets, in was on my bed sheets. The dirty wipes dripped down my arm as I tried to rush them downstairs and into the trash. There was poop in my bed, where we (stupidly) put her when the crib was taking hits. It's all over my (expensive enough to be ashamed of) Ikea rug. The worst part? Hours after clean-up and an attempt to fall back asleep, as I prepared to make breakfast this morning, I found a couple pieces that I missed still under my fingernails. 

More iPhone Games!

Now that I have a new a baby in the house, I have become desperate for good iPhone games. Here are three that I have been playing around with instead of being a responsible father.

2-Bit Cowboy is just 99 cents, and it's really awesome. It's a sepia tone sidescroller that rewards completionists. You collect bounties scattered around each level that give you rewards for killing all the scorpions, or shooting all of the bottles, all to earn money and buy new hats!

It's one of those games that make you think about just how obsessed you would be if this game came out on the NES when you were a kid.

Disco Zoo is similar to Pixel People, or Tiny Tower. You play a little minesweeper game to rescue animals and add them to your zoo. Once in your zoo, you maintain your creatures and build new habitats. Animals earn you money but fall asleep after a certain amount of time, and that's when you get to throw a disco party to wake them all up! It's free.

The Lord of The Rings: Battle for Middle Earth is just a shitty Clash of Clans ripoff that starts the game by asking me a time wasting question. Dwarves. Always.

These Are The Games Of Our Lives

When you remember a game that you've played, do you remember exactly what was going on around you when you played it? Unlike movies, or books even, I can recall the precise details of what was going on in my life when I first played something. Dino Crisis, for instance, may not be a very good survival horror game, but I played it in 7th grade, during a serious thunderstorm, in the dark, with my best friend taking turns with me after every death. I remember the carpet we were sitting on, I remember the cool ranch 3D Doritos..

It's crossing over from simple childhood nostalgia into serious life impact for me. Yes, Pokemon Red's Pokemon Center makes me think of a long line of 10 year olds sitting around a cafeteria table with link cables criss crossed above rectangle pizza, but that seems silly to me when I realize that Red Faction makes me reminisce about my son's birth. When your recollection of video games starts synching up with life events that are that close to you, it makes you want to happy cry a little. 

I played Persona 3 the night that I moved into my first apartment when I was 18. I had a TV, and a futon. A fridge and a box of comic books. I was free from my horrid mother and working 10 hour shifts at Whole Foods, with only about 75$ extra bucks after rent/bills each month. I was happy, really happy, spending my free time failing in my young adult love life and writing down possible Persona Fusion combos on a dry erase board. I lived in the heart of Chicago's gay neighborhood, on the same block as a (then) culturally shocking club called Hydrate, crawling through the randomly generated dungeons, muting the TV whenever I heard the police outside arresting some loud drunks.

I was playing Red Faction: Guerrilla the day I found out that Stephanie was pregnant, I remember being unable to proceed through the game a couple days later because so much was on my mind. I was scared, and even now I can't really recall the game's plot because I was so preoccupied. It's funny how even looking at this screenshot makes me a little misty, so much was going on the last time I saw it.

My newborn daughter Phoebe was a couple weeks early. I had re-downloaded my favorite XBLA game ever, Bastion, trying to plow through it once again before my free time became compromised. It didn't pan out, Pheebs got here early, but now and forever, my favorite small game will be united with my memory of first meeting her. Games sure as fuck have come a long way from Pong haven't they?

Shadowrun Returns

The original Shadowrun for the Snes belongs in that category of under appreciated games that nobody else on Earth seems to have played. Unlike other obscure-yet-revolutionary games Shadowrun has a sizable enough cult following to launch a successful Kickstarter campaign for a sequel. If you're wondering why you should give a shit, hopefully your eyebrow will raise when you learn that most Shadowrun fans consider the Snes classic to be the first true Mass Effect style RPG. For reals.

Space orcs and Martian goblins might be a common sic-fi trope now, but Shadowrun was the first time I ever saw an Orc in any setting other than medieval fantasy. I always play as a dwarf when I have the option to do so, so giving one a shotgun with computer hacking tech implanteded into the back of his neck was quite the fresh idea for 10-year-old me. I was investigating murders in futuristic versions of American cities, I was leveling up and putting my skill points into attack drones equipped with true AI. The original Shadowrun for the Snes had two very key components that make a legendary game; a fresh idea and perfect execution.

Does that Orcish strip club bouncer look familiar? His name is Mr. Kluwe and he is, you guessed it, based on the actual Chris Kluwe, NFL punter and geek hero. He's a big Shadowrun fan.

I've been playing the sequel on Steam and I'm about 5 hours in, it's really impressive. It feels identical to the original, with amazing HD graphics and deeper customization this time around. I'm in Seattle, trying to find the guy who killed my fellow narcotics smuggling friend, and not just because it's sad, but also because there's a huge cash reward for doing so. The gun fights are WAY more intense this time around, and it almost feels a little like Xcom, the way I position and spend my turns in battle. I think Shadowrun Returns can be found on Steam and other platforms for just 15$ right now, please, please buy it. All gamers deserve to see the good examples of retro RPGs, even the titles that they have never heard of.

Please Be Patient

My daughter was born yesterday on Cinco De Mayo, so I apologize for the lack of posting this week. Please be patient and understanding, and yes, she was born 1 hour and 50 minutes after May 4th ended, the most significant Star Wars date on the calendar. Phoebe will be home Wednesday morning,  in which I promise I'll try to get back on track, but I can't guarantee that.

A Couple Annoying Features In Final Fantasy 2

A few days ago I pointed out just how easy it is to exploit Final Fantasy 2's stat system, and while it is true that the first half of the game is a breeze if you cheat, it is also becoming clear that the game will balance things out. By any means necessary.

I just acquired the ship, (this FF has random battles while you sail too, an RPG crime) and it has come to my attention that Mysidia is available to visit at this time, if you're willing to brave the tough monsters that surround it.

This is a cockatrice, a famous monster from the FF series, (you may remember stealing a mother Cockatrice's eggs on the tracks leading to North Corel in FF7). These assholes are extremely deadly in FF2. They travel in packs of 6 around Mysidia, and have such high agility that they WILL strike first, regardless of how diligently you've power leveled. Cockatrices petrify you with a successful hit, so literally,the fight begins, they all move first, and it's instant game over. There is no equipment whatsoever available to me at this point in the game that protects me against petrify, and Esuna is reactive, not proactive. This is a very cheap ass game over.

There's also the world map. Look, I made a video about it!