Ever hope that a movie is good, and then it isn't? Have you ever read a book that's a bestseller, and you hate it? Video games are unique because unlike books, movies, and music, games that sell well, are almost always good. Call of Duty and Madden are always the top sellers, and while they aren't my cup of tea, they certainly aren't bad games. Britney Spears has sold more records than anyone, but does she make good music? The best selling book ever is the bible, (it's actually a biography of Mao that every Chinese citizen must own) and the bible is fucking awful. However, there are 5 games that everyone adores, praises, and worships, and I fucking hate them. It's not that they just aren't for me, these are 5 rare examples of games that are crazy popular, and are bad. Actually bad. Please, before reading, understand that these games are generally liked and that means that you may disagree with me. But that's okay! Remember, when you disagree with me, that means that you are wrong, and realizing that you are wrong is the first step to thinking correctly.
Ico
Everybody loves this piece of lettuce, and I have no idea why. You play as the saddest excuse for a viking ever, who has to lead a princess, by the hand, for the entirety of the game. You'll hear that this game is art, that it moves a piece of your soul as you experience it, but it's a 10 hour escort mission, with invisible walls and frustratingly vague objectives. Ico sucks, and is considered one of the most popular cult classics ever. People are so stupid.
Chrono Trigger
I've never been in a fight before, but I came close, twice, and both times it was over my opinion of this game. I do not like Chrono Trigger, it simply isn't very good. The characters are bleh, and the models are not Akira Toriyama's best work. The story is the worst, it feels like a hodge-podge of all the bad anime characters in the universe, with a combat system that makes you fall asleep as you pick the same move over, and over, and over. Chrono Trigger is widely considered to be one of the greatest RPGs ever made, but in an era of SNES masterpieces like Secret of Mana, FF4, Link to the Past, Super Mario RPG and Earthbound, I have no idea why.
Ecco the Dolphin
Before you freak the fuck out, stop, and think. Why do you like this game? Really, just think about it for 2 minutes. Is it the controls? Well, if you think that this game has a good control scheme, then you probably think Jeff Dunham is funny. Do you like the game because of the story? Well, there isn't a story to speak of, so that makes you a liar. No plot, bad controls, and an always nagging WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO !!??repeating in your skull over and over makes this game a poop pile. (It's in a million top 10 sega games lists. Morons.)
God Of War
Here's a small exception. These games suck ass, but unlike the other 4 on my list, I know why you guys like God of War. It's easy. Really, really easy. Why waste your time on superior PS2 adventure games like Prince of Persia or Shadow of the Colossus that make you restart at your previous checkpoint (SHOCK!) every once in a while, when you could play God of War, an uninspired, unoriginal, run of the mill greek gods game that requires you to tap x and then triangle to beat the entire damn thing. If I want to watch a movie, I'll do just that, I don't enjoy watching cutscenes for 12 hours.
Metroid Prime
Like the FPS genre or not, it's by far the most popular type of game. With so many shooters on the market, each one has been fine tuned, taking something truly innovative and monumental to stand out. That's why I don't understand the popularity of the Metroid Prime series. It's like, 15th best in every category. The shooting itself? We've all played better. The enemies? Monochromatic and boring, (dinosaurs?). The story? It's generic, I'm sorry Metroid fans, but it is time to be honest with yourselves. Every planet in the Metroid universe has a number for a name like a rejected Roddenberry script. My biggest problem with this horseshit is the lore. Everytime I walk down a hallway, enter a new room, lift a new box, or pick my nose, I HAVE TO SCAN EVERY SINGLE PIXEL OF THE ENVIRONMENT FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. The Metroid Prime series in my opinion, is completely unplayable, it would be one thing if the lore revealed something worth reading, but it doesn't.
You're wrong about Metroid Prime being bad. You can not like certain aspects of the game but that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. Here's IGN's top 25 Gamecube games:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ign.com/articles/2007/03/16/the-top-25-gamecube-games-of-all-time?page=5
Guess what's #1... Metroid Prime. While I personally don't think it's the best Gamecube game, it is definitely in the top five.
I know you disagree with me, and I believe that it is yet another sad symptom of a joyless life. My heart goes out to you.
DeleteBut your criticisms aren't justified. Yeah, it's a First-person game, but the focus isn't necessarily on shooting, it's exploration. Most enemies can be bypassed completely, you only need to fight bosses and other scripted encounters. Skyrim is also a FPS and the combat in that is nowhere near as good as dedicated shooters.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the scanning does add to the lore of the world. Most of it doesn't matter, but there are artifacts in the game that give a massive amount of lore into the history of the intelligent species that ruled the planet before.
Saying that you have to scan everything is not true. You only have to scan certain objects and they are marked in bright red. All the other scannable things in the game are an optional sidequest. You wouldn't say that Windwaker is a bad game because there is an optional minigame where you have to take pictures of enemies to one of the islands, and you can only hold a limited amount at a time. If you messed up the framing you would have to travel back to the enemy, hopefully not a boss, and retake the picture. That is way worse than Metroid Prime's scans, but no one holds it against Windwaker. Because it's not necessary, it's a sidequest.
I love fanboy passion, gives me a nerd-boner every time I witness it. I wrote a little disclaimer up at the top there, saying that this is simply my opinion. I know that 99.9% of people who play Metroid Prime love it, but I played it, and can't understand how someone can enjoy eating feces. I'm like a racist in Mississippi during the 60's, I JUST CANT ACCEPT THE CHANGE
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