Bioshock Infinite Board Game and a Raptor Prank

I was going to post this big piece about my favorite dwarves today, but the new Bioshock Infinite board game is way more important. It looks super fun, and unlike the terrible Resident Evil card game that I purchased, it might actually be one of those rare video game to board game crossovers that is genuinely fun.

Here's a link to the Plaid Hat Games website, where you can learn all about this ambitious, (and adorably collectible) board game. All of you who know me for real and are sick of playing Munchkin should be extra excited. Also, before you go, watch this clip of a Japanese game show prank where they convince some poor bastard that he is being chased by a real Velociraptor. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZGNk8pUj4Y

Fantasy football and the best video game line ever

This is my 5th consecutive year playing fantasy football, and just like every year, I feel really good about my chances. The problem is, I've never won, and my team has only been in the playoffs once, where I was thrashed immediately. My very first year playing, when I worked at Whole Foods and joined a league with all of the dock workers and a couple grease delivery men, my team, The Gluten Allergies, went an impressive 8-5, which I was very proud of for a first try. The next year, at the Grand Lux, my Asian Nachos went an embarrassing 3-10, followed by an ungodly 2-11 the following year for my Multiple Scorgasms. Last year was heartbreaking, as I missed the playoffs my first year in Pennsylvania, with my new team, The Old Timey English Mustaches. This year will be different, I have another new team, (I will continue to change team names until I win with one), The Geraldo Riveras, who had a really good draft last night. I stuck to my guns, drafting two RBs immediately, followed by three WRs. Everyone snickered at me because I waited until the 6th round to draft a QB, but I really feel like I made the right decision. Here's how it turned out.

The 2013 Geraldo Riveras

-Jamaal Charles

-Matt Forte

-Victor Cruz

-Wes Welker

-Pierre Garcon

-Tony Romo

-Kyle Randolph

-Eli Manning

-Bears D

-Danny Woodhead

-Brandon Pettigrew

-Santana Moss

-Robbie Gould

-Jacoby Jones

Thats right, I put all of my eggs in Matt Forte's basket. Chicago will always be my home, and I got to witness first hand just how amazing this guy is, and how he receives little recognition for it. He is going to produce, and I am going to win.

And being a Cowboys fan, I just couldn't help but draft the handsomest man in football, my personal captain, Tony Romo.

Also, I was involved in a discussion about favorite NPC quotes from video games, and I just had to post my personal favorite. I peed the first time I saw it.

On a thankful note, August has been the biggest month for this blog so far, and Pokedad just keeps growing. I never thought that there would be this many people who would care about what I have to say, so seriously, thank you. Now, go love your country and watch some goddamn football. It's okay to be nerdy about it too.

Ben Affleck is the new Batman

I am not a fan of this, and I don't think anyone really is, but before we start slitting our wrists, why don't we try to figure out just why there has never been a great Batman portrayal? We all have our favorites, but none of them really did justice to the Batman character. Keaton was a good Batman, but a terrible Bruce Wayne, Clooney was the exact opposite, and Kilmer was middle of the road. Bale did a great job rebooting Batman for a new generation, but in my opinion, he just isn't Batman. Why is it so hard to play this guy?

This isn't true for all superheroes. Superman had a perfect portrayal, Christopher Reeves, who completely transformed himself into an exact replica of the comic book hero. Patrick Stewart is a spectacular Professor X, and as much as I hate Iron Man, Downey IS Tony Stark. We have gone through 6+ actors who have played the role of Batman, and none of them have done it justice. So I agree with all of you, Affleck is going to suck intense ass, but look at it from the studio's point of view, we can't get it right, even when we cast people who seem to have the best chance, so why not try a wild card? Worst case scenario? He pisses off 100 million nerds at once, and trust me, DC can live with that.

Mikey, you sir, have always been my favorite. The world needs you. America needs you. Gotham City needs you. I need you.

Dishonored Review

Let me paint a vivid picture for you, it's midnight, Stephanie went to bed early, and Oliver is snoring, (exhausted from a day of manipulating his father's blood pressure) and the thunderstorm outside is getting nasty. I have brewed a fresh pot of coffee, sitting in the dark, navigating Dunwall Tower. Do you see this man in the picture above? Well, he is the regent, the ruler of Dunwall, and he attained that title by murdering the empress and framing me for it. ME! He knows I'm alive, that I escaped prison, and I have been picking off his little friends, one by one. I kidnapped his royal scientist, and threw him in a dog kennel back at my HQ. I snuck into his mistress's bedroom, punched her out, then handed her unconscious body to some lunatic in a mask, who took off with her in a boat, never to be seen again. He has these two nobles who fund all of his ruthless and inhumane laws, the Pendleton brothers, I broke into their brothel, cut their tongues out of their mouths, and sold them as slaves to their own mining company. I infiltrated the church where his biggest supporter lives, the High Overseer himself, tied that fucker to a chair, and branded the mark of the apostate into his old face flesh. Yeah, this asshole knows I'm alive, and he knows that he's next.

But holy crap this tower is big. I creep around, trying to stay up in the rafters as opposed to the ducts, but there are just too many guards. I picked out a bathroom next to the torturer's room (I possessed the torturer's dog, and then ate him. Classic.) where I have been stashing all of the bodies that I've had to knock out. This tower seems endless, and each floor just brings more and more guards with better equipment than the last group. I even had to knock out this stupid maid who started screaming because I emerged from the fireplace I've been hiding inside of. I heard you mumbling to yourself miss, how they make you undress and stuff, so if they are raping you, then how about you keep your mouth shut so I can fix this? Why are you ratting me out? I put a sleeping dart in her jugular. I'm getting frustrated, I walk into a room with a huge dining room table, slit the throat of the masked asshole patrolling, and....there he is...the regent, just chilling in his Matrix-white bedroom. I sneak up behind him, and put him in the crippler crossface. He's passed out on the floor, as I search the room for the most twisted way I can get my revenge on his pasty body. The fire poker is a good start.

Oh wait, what's this? Next to this beaten old man's body is a safe. Inside, is a tape of him confessing to administering the plague that a third of his people are dying from, just to achieve the office of regent. This is where I have to stay my hand and not kill. I let him sleep, then broadcast his confession over the radio to the entire city. I got my kills, the public can enjoy the big one. The guards haul him away, beating him mercilessly, as I possess a rat and run through the sewers to Samuel who has the boat ready. Ready to take me back to the pub that my group, The Loyalists work out of. The place where we conspire to bring justice to our beaten city, and restore the empress's daughter to the throne. I arrive and we all drink, and as we party, I pass out. Poison. I've been bamboozled!!

So....yeah, I beat Dishonored, and I loved it. Way better than I thought it would be. The stealth is great, the powers are unique, and there's this party with some of the most disturbing noble masquerade masks I have ever seen. Fuck...it's 4am..

The Middle

This is a text representation of my absolute frustration with people who straddle the middle in political arguments. They're the worst, not picking a side, seeing both points of view, when did this become some noble virtue? I find people who don't follow politics at all a tad annoying, but much worse is the person who spends the time and energy to learn about a topic, then take no position. I am a liberal, who strongly, angrily, sadistically disagrees with republicans, they are fools, and they are wrong. However, being wrong is not evil. Being wrong is not free of responsibility. Taking no sides is evil, sitting on the fence indefinitely is allowing what is wrong to compromise with what is right. We don't get along, lefties and righties, because the way we think we should solve the nation's many problems are opposite. That said, I would rather talk to a republican for 5 hours than an independent middle hugger for 5 minutes, who thinks we should all get along and compromise. This isn't football, this isn't Trading Spaces, this is the welfare and quality of life of 600 million+ citizens of the United States. Think about what you believe is correct. You don't have to join a team, you don't have to say that you're a Democrat, or Republican, but when asked if gays should be allowed to marry, or if women should be allowed to get abortions after a certain number of weeks, you answer yes, or no. Do not answer with a vague double crowd pleasing bullshit opinion that makes you look like you've figured this whole thing out. You haven't. Pick a fucking side.

(I don't agree with Ayn Rand's philosophy, at all, but damn is this quote sexy)

“The man who refuses to judge, who neither agrees nor disagrees, who declares that there are no absolutes and believes that he escapes responsibility, is the man responsible for all the blood that is now spilled in the world. Reality is an absolute, existence is an absolute, a speck of dust is an absolute and so is a human life. Whether you live or die is an absolute. Whether you have a piece of bread or not, is an absolute. Whether you eat your bread or see it vanish into a looter's stomach, is an absolute.

There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil. The man who is wrong still retains some respect for truth, if only by accepting the responsibility of choice. But the man in the middle is the knave who blanks out the truth in order to pretend that no choice or values exist, who is willing to sit out the course of any battle, willing to cash in on the blood of the innocent or to crawl on his belly to the guilty, who dispenses justice by condemning both the robber and the robbed to jail, who solves conflicts by ordering the thinker and the fool to meet each other halfway. In any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win. In any compromise between good and evil, it is only evil that can profit. In that transfusion of blood which drains the good to feed the evil, the compromise is the transmitting rubber tube.”

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Oliver's First Movie

Oliver is two and a half, and he got to see his very first movie in a movie theater on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon. He loves Pixar's Cars, so Stephanie and I thought that Planes would be a safe bet, with minimum risk for a freak out in public. Turns out, the theater was completely empty except for us, and our giant bag of popcorn.

It went well.

I still remember my very first movie at a genuine theater. I miss the 90's.

Cyclops vs Wolverine

I hate Wolverine. He's one of these heroes who benefit from over-exposure, and gains the enthusiasm of the casual fan. Wolverine is beloved because he's considered cool, but not by serious Marvel Zombies or avid comic book readers, but by Call of Duty jocks and perpetrators of domestic violence. I want to talk about why he's a fraud, a clown, and a waste of your time. I want to talk about why Cyclops is the best character Marvel has to offer, and why you should be spending your precious nerd money on Scott Summers, not James Howlett. Here's a list of the big reasons why Cyclops is better than Wolverine.

1. Cable

Everyone loves Cable. The Cable and Bishop arcs are among the most celebrated Marvel comics ever, and he's just an all around good character. He also happens to be Scott Summers's son, so if you happen to like Cable (which you do), then you must thank Cyclops for shooting him out in the first place. Thanks Scott!

2. Wolverine Loses Fights Like, All The Time

Wolverine can't fight, at least not on the level of others that he shares a team with. Sabretooth beats him on the regular, so does Deadpool, Lady Deathstrike, Cyber, Magneto and Omega Red, (Omega Red and Logan have fought one on one ten times and douche-claws lost every time). If Wolverine did not possess the ability to never fucking die, then he would be fucking dead. A thousand times over.

3. Wolverine Is A Pedophile

Wolverine was born in the late 1880's, Jean Grey most certainly was not. If you watch X-men Evolution, you can watch in horror as Logan suavely hits on an 18 year old Jean while driving her to and from high school. I understand it isn't illegal, but a 130 year old actively chasing and falling in love with a teenager? You Wolverine fanboys are really okay with that? Is that a guy you really admire? 

4. Professor X Chose Cyclops To Be Captain Of The Blue Team

There are a lot of Cyclops haters out there, people who say outlandish things like, "Jean should be with Logan, not Scott!", or "Wolverine should be captain of the X-men, not smelly Cyclops." To all of those who don't agree with Cyclops being in a position of leadership, I ask you this, do you question Professor X's judgement? It's his team, his direction, and his goddamn house. Professor Xavier has saved every human being on the planet earth, multiple times, and has defeated villain after villain by staying dozens of steps ahead of them. He is beyond a genius level intelligence, and with a squad consisting of heroes like Beast and Archangel, X chose Cyclops to lead his blue team. Who knows better than Xavier? Nobody does.

5. Cyclops's Resume

Just because Cyclops doesn't splatter his muscled body all over the cover of every issue of X-men, doesn't mean that he hasn't defeated villains. In fact, his resume of bad guys downed is incredibly impressive. For clarification, this is a list of villains that Scott has defeated in one on one combat. Just read it, and decide for yourself.

-Jack O' Diamonds

-Magneto

-Blob

-D'Spayre

-Shadow King

-Omega Red

-Caliban

-Ord of the Breakworld

-Bishop

-Hulk (out of control)

-Leper Queen

-Black Queen

-Juggernaut

-Mr. Sinister

There you have it. Change your mind, and be a smarter, more respected comic book fan by rejecting popular culture's obsession with the super shitty Wolverine.